How do we know if what we feel for someone is real and how can we know if it will be lasting? In the world of relationships, “feelings”, for want of a better word, are the currency that makes things move up and down, backwards and forwards, inside and out. When we have feelings for someone, we can be overcome with joy, inspiration and excitement as we experience the full force of our feelings of love and attraction.
Yet, before we know it, we can start feeling anxiety and insecurities if these feelings somehow don’t match with the reality we afford them. So what does this mean? Does it mean that our feelings have tricked us? Have we done something to warrant another change of feeling? If feelings can switch so quickly, how can we ever trust how we feel?
These are questions to which there are no “easy” answers. But there are ways we can experience our feelings, which will mean there is less room for huge drops and losses. At the same time, we may need to be willing to forgo the huge dizzy heights that make those rock bottom experiences even more pronounced.
Dealing with Expectations
One of the biggest issues when it comes to having deep feelings for another person is the expectation that arises within these feelings. Obviously when we love someone deeply, and they appear to share this same love and affection, the feelings tend to enhance each other. Yet within this very sensitive state, we can become acutely aware of all the subtle nuances of that person’s feelings. So the moment there is a slight deviation from the good feelings we want, we sense this and often what we sense is magnified out of proportion.
An all to familiar spiral of emotional events can then take place: They pull back - we move forward; they become more distant - we become more anxious; until eventually, all those great feelings that once moved so freely have now been replaced by their coldness and distance and your fear and anxiety.
In the mourning and licking of wounds period afterwards, we can then start to ask ourselves these very basic question: How could something that felt so right and so mutual suddenly disappear in a spiral of fear. Were my feelings all wrong and misplaced? How can someone go from being in love with me to suddenly not seeming to care any more. The answers to these questions come down to the nature of life and the nature of feelings. It’s normal and natural to want to hold on to something that makes us feel good inside. But that desire doesn’t reconcile with the fact that in life, everything changes. We didn’t know this person, we met them, we fell in love. The change from not knowing to knowing them is a change we are happy to accept and embrace. The change then of them leaving our life is still part of the moving and changing flow of life but because it doesn’t favour us, we suddenly stop embracing and starting retreating.
So the first thing to help you in understanding your feelings and how they work is to accept, as simple as it sounds, that everything in life changes. Sometimes it works for us and sometimes it doesn’t. The more we accept this and try to work with this flow of change, rather then resist it, the happier we’ll be and the less energy we will have wasted.
Life doesn't always fit into a box
This same understanding links into a deeper fact that sometimes what we think is right for us, sometimes simply isn’t. Life does work in mysterious ways, and often our minds try to control life to fit into a box that suits us. Relationships are a particular aspect where this occurs frequently.
The fact is that sometimes you have to accept that you don’t know or have the answers.
What you can know is that you gave to someone wholeheartedly, that you loved someone with warmth and sincerity. What happens after that we don’t often have much control over. As you embrace this and trust that all you can do in life and relationships is give your whole self to who ever and what ever you do, then these questions to varying degrees will become irrelevant, as you move into a universe that’s not geared to getting what you want, but a universe that supports what you give. In the end, when it comes to the currency of feelings, you will no doubt end up a rich person.
tirsdag 27. november 2007
onsdag 21. november 2007
Finding your soulmate, finding yourself.
The concept of the 'soul mate' means finding somebody who 'completes' you, like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together or a lock and key that opens the door to a new world. In a way this is true - there are relationships that push you through personal growth and transformation. Once you have walked this path, everything is different - you have changed and the world has changed for you. These relationships can be like catalysts - whizzing into your life and turning everything upside down. But what happens next? Do these life-changing people have to disappear out of your life?
Why do we crave the other half?
What is it we find in this other person that makes it so hard to exist without them? Just like Romeo and Juliette, we cast ourselves as one half of a whole that can't function independently. After entering into such a deep affair, being left can make you feel suicidal, despairing and deeply depressed. Going back to a 'normal' life seems like going back to watching black and white television instead of plasma colour. It is unappealing to say the least. However, we all know in the end 'time heals’ and life goes back to normal. You wonder how you will live without the intensity of your lover, but of course, you do.
This is the most frightening thing of all: should you even give it a chance. Usually after such an experience of being in love, the answer is NO. Or even if you want to, there are many walls and fortresses around you. It is never the same the second time around. We become frightened and resistant to the experience we no longer trust. If you do happen to fall - all you want is reassurance: Will it be worth it in the end? Will we end up together? Will it last? The need to hold on to this love object can become almost obsessional. The thought that they may sail out of your life, never to be seen again, is terrifying. You imagine going through the rest of your life with unresolved feelings. Somehow, the plan is that if you can get through the challenges, fears, difficulties, break-ups and make-ups, you will then be able to establish a solid ground upon which to build a future. It seems like a pipe dream, but in a way it is the only dream you have. Cutting off the feelings is akin to cutting off one of your limbs - purposeless and unbearably painful.
What is this psychological process so powerful that can grip our hearts?
You may think you can release yourself simply through struggle or persisting in your efforts to bring the relationship together - but you will only sink further into the quicksand you are standing in. There is a way - but it is not an easy path. It requires you to let go, to be honest with yourself, to have the courage to open your heart and strength to rise above the games and petty power struggles. Many books have been written: ‘He's just not that into you’, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, and the advice within these books will just crumble in the face of the intensity of feelings you experience in this sort of bond. Pop psychology has its place and can at times be very empowering to help you to shift your perspective on things. However deep emotional changes require a deeper level of insight.
What Jung says about projection?
Psychologist Carl Jung reveals a hidden psychological process, which he calls 'projection'. This process can explain a lot of behaviour and psychological distress. Essentially, Jung felt that we all project aspects of ourselves out there into the world, into other people, and then struggle to unite with these missing parts.
Jung argues that we project the qualities that we ourselves possess out there into someone or something else. He names two major projections that people possess: the Anima and the Animus. The Anima is a man's projection of 'woman' and the Animus is the woman's projection of 'man'. So where do these projections comes from? Well, the anima and animus, for example, develop during childhood. As you grow up as a little boy or little girl, you develop your gender identity as male or female. In order to be female, you must block off the male aspects / qualities that you possess and identify more strongly with the female qualities, and vice versa for the male. This process of denying, suppressing and controlling these other unexpressed feelings, qualities and parts of the self, lead you to feel incomplete, empty and unfulfilled. In effect, you are not truly being your whole self.
Jung believed that this leads people to see in an 'other' what is denied, repressed and controlled within themselves. So you search for your missing self in the other.
Do soul mates really exist?
I am not saying that a soul mate is simply a projection of a part of you into someone else. I think this explanation misses a very essential and important aspect to our existence: Our Oneness.
The Oneness is a strange concept in our modern individualistic world view. Yet the idea of the oneness of all things exists in all major spiritual and religious traditions. In the Oneness, we do share qualities. We are everything but we also share everything. So it is true that I may be a woman and you may be a man. I am not stuck in this identity and neither are you - because in the Oneness we are everything - but at the same time we’re not only One. Jung suggests that the psychological is all there is. Everything is within and there is nothing without. I agree that everything is within, but also there is a sharing with the universe too. It is this state of open sharing that we are trying to return to.
Obsession, attachment, possession, loss, abandonment - all these feelings are related to a sense of separation from the whole. I see the process of healing as two fold:
1. To connect with the universe through relationship with yourself
2. To share with the universe through relationship with others
Effectively this means releasing attachments, identifying areas of suppression, control, and knowing your projections so you can then create a clear pathway of interaction with an 'other'. In a word: it means self-knowledge. You can't know if you are connecting with a real feeling for someone else until you know yourself. Then when you form relationships, they are based on real creativity and appreciation of another person rather than being drawn to them because they are a reflection of your 'lost' self.
Ultimately, this is the goal of all relationships - to join together in a way that honours both people and in a way which is creative and harmonious. Once you feel that sense of connectedness, you can embrace love, be in harmony with your lover, and see the big picture of your destiny once more. But in order to reach this 'light' you must enter into the tunnel and discover its depths and follow its twists and turns. This is not a journey to take lightly, but one we are all destined to make at one point or another - because the pull of love is simply too strong.
Why do we crave the other half?
What is it we find in this other person that makes it so hard to exist without them? Just like Romeo and Juliette, we cast ourselves as one half of a whole that can't function independently. After entering into such a deep affair, being left can make you feel suicidal, despairing and deeply depressed. Going back to a 'normal' life seems like going back to watching black and white television instead of plasma colour. It is unappealing to say the least. However, we all know in the end 'time heals’ and life goes back to normal. You wonder how you will live without the intensity of your lover, but of course, you do.
This is the most frightening thing of all: should you even give it a chance. Usually after such an experience of being in love, the answer is NO. Or even if you want to, there are many walls and fortresses around you. It is never the same the second time around. We become frightened and resistant to the experience we no longer trust. If you do happen to fall - all you want is reassurance: Will it be worth it in the end? Will we end up together? Will it last? The need to hold on to this love object can become almost obsessional. The thought that they may sail out of your life, never to be seen again, is terrifying. You imagine going through the rest of your life with unresolved feelings. Somehow, the plan is that if you can get through the challenges, fears, difficulties, break-ups and make-ups, you will then be able to establish a solid ground upon which to build a future. It seems like a pipe dream, but in a way it is the only dream you have. Cutting off the feelings is akin to cutting off one of your limbs - purposeless and unbearably painful.
What is this psychological process so powerful that can grip our hearts?
You may think you can release yourself simply through struggle or persisting in your efforts to bring the relationship together - but you will only sink further into the quicksand you are standing in. There is a way - but it is not an easy path. It requires you to let go, to be honest with yourself, to have the courage to open your heart and strength to rise above the games and petty power struggles. Many books have been written: ‘He's just not that into you’, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, and the advice within these books will just crumble in the face of the intensity of feelings you experience in this sort of bond. Pop psychology has its place and can at times be very empowering to help you to shift your perspective on things. However deep emotional changes require a deeper level of insight.
What Jung says about projection?
Psychologist Carl Jung reveals a hidden psychological process, which he calls 'projection'. This process can explain a lot of behaviour and psychological distress. Essentially, Jung felt that we all project aspects of ourselves out there into the world, into other people, and then struggle to unite with these missing parts.
Jung argues that we project the qualities that we ourselves possess out there into someone or something else. He names two major projections that people possess: the Anima and the Animus. The Anima is a man's projection of 'woman' and the Animus is the woman's projection of 'man'. So where do these projections comes from? Well, the anima and animus, for example, develop during childhood. As you grow up as a little boy or little girl, you develop your gender identity as male or female. In order to be female, you must block off the male aspects / qualities that you possess and identify more strongly with the female qualities, and vice versa for the male. This process of denying, suppressing and controlling these other unexpressed feelings, qualities and parts of the self, lead you to feel incomplete, empty and unfulfilled. In effect, you are not truly being your whole self.
Jung believed that this leads people to see in an 'other' what is denied, repressed and controlled within themselves. So you search for your missing self in the other.
Do soul mates really exist?
I am not saying that a soul mate is simply a projection of a part of you into someone else. I think this explanation misses a very essential and important aspect to our existence: Our Oneness.
The Oneness is a strange concept in our modern individualistic world view. Yet the idea of the oneness of all things exists in all major spiritual and religious traditions. In the Oneness, we do share qualities. We are everything but we also share everything. So it is true that I may be a woman and you may be a man. I am not stuck in this identity and neither are you - because in the Oneness we are everything - but at the same time we’re not only One. Jung suggests that the psychological is all there is. Everything is within and there is nothing without. I agree that everything is within, but also there is a sharing with the universe too. It is this state of open sharing that we are trying to return to.
Obsession, attachment, possession, loss, abandonment - all these feelings are related to a sense of separation from the whole. I see the process of healing as two fold:
1. To connect with the universe through relationship with yourself
2. To share with the universe through relationship with others
Effectively this means releasing attachments, identifying areas of suppression, control, and knowing your projections so you can then create a clear pathway of interaction with an 'other'. In a word: it means self-knowledge. You can't know if you are connecting with a real feeling for someone else until you know yourself. Then when you form relationships, they are based on real creativity and appreciation of another person rather than being drawn to them because they are a reflection of your 'lost' self.
Ultimately, this is the goal of all relationships - to join together in a way that honours both people and in a way which is creative and harmonious. Once you feel that sense of connectedness, you can embrace love, be in harmony with your lover, and see the big picture of your destiny once more. But in order to reach this 'light' you must enter into the tunnel and discover its depths and follow its twists and turns. This is not a journey to take lightly, but one we are all destined to make at one point or another - because the pull of love is simply too strong.
fredag 2. november 2007
Jealousy - Are you turning into the green eyed monster?
When you are feeling jealous, there are usually two questions you have: is your partner really cheating on you or is it all just in your mind?
This is a major dilemma. It can make you doubt yourself and your intuition about what is going on. Is it an intuition or is it just a fear? Is s/he or isn't s/he? Sometimes you can have suspicions or know something is going to happen long before anything actually occurs. At other times you can be reading far too much into little gestures and situations. How can you find the truth?
Obsessive attempts to uncover the truth can cause you to lose your confidence. As feelings of jealousy escalate, they can lead you to do things, that in ordinary circumstances, you simply wouldn't do. You might search through email accounts, phone messages, check the distances travelled on the mileage clock of your partner’s car, credit card receipts and the like. And all in a desperate attempt to uncover the truth. You can become like a mad person on a witch hunt, determined to prove that you are correct. This will just increase the doubts, because no matter how much proof you think you have, beyond seeing it with your own eyes or a confession from your partner - you are never going to be totally sure if s/he is or s/he isn't.
Is she or isn't she?
The second side-effect of the ‘is s/he or isn’t s/he?’ duality is that it usually stamps out real attempts to communicate with your partner. When you are jealous, feelings of distrust, anger and fear block honest communication. If indeed your partner is having an affair, or fancies someone else, they are unlikely to share it in this environment. Conversely, if they are innocent, you will be unlikely to believe their protestations.
What is the way forward when you’re in the grip of romantic jealousy?
The real issue of jealousy is much deeper than this duality: is s/he or isn't s/he. Jealousy is a reaction to a real or perceived threat. Whether or not the threat is real, jealousy is not the best reaction. It is part of our human conditioning - so most of us will experience jealousy at one point in our lives. Some people experience jealous reactions so deeply they feel driven to commit crimes. Other people may only feel a twinge of jealousy. Wherever your experiences are along the continuum of jealousy, you face the same challenge: discovering a more harmonious reaction.
Resolve your inner fear.
A lot of jealous feelings are rooted in fear of the future. Paradoxically, fears of the future come from the past! Your previous experiences leave expectations and memories in your body that will be triggered when you face a similar emotional situation. Sometimes your fear can feel like your friend, protecting you from pain and humiliation - but be clear - fear is never your friend. Fear is a limited response based on mistrusting the universe and ultimately mistrusting your own soul. Old fears hang around and limit your potential and keep you focused on the old mistakes. When you let go of fear your senses become alert, your intuition is sharpened and you move into new territory in your life, effectively moving away from the pain of the past.
What to watch for?
Have you been cheated on or betrayed before?
These old ghosts may be distorting your perspective and making you read into things. If you have been duped before, you could be on the alert of being betrayed again. It is important to make sure your new partner is not paying for the crimes of your past lovers!
Did you have a childhood that featured abandonment?
If you do not have a strong sense of security from your early childhood, this can make you hyper-sensitive to threats in the future. You could be more likely than others to believe and expect the worst. This does not necessarily have to be the case. You could have issues in your childhood that are fully resolved now and you have grown from them - however if you have not examined some of your past then these expectations could be distorting your view now.
Connect through communication.
As I mentioned earlier, the only way to resolve your suspicions is to talk openly with your partner. If you are experiencing jealousy, sometimes you could be right - there may be something going on. But often you will find you are picking up that something is wrong in general. There is no point in trying to suppress these warning signs. The challenge is not to respond with fear but to respond with curiosity, to find out how your partner really feels. This will immediately open the doors of communication, because you are putting the emphasis in the right place: what is the underlying feeling or issue. It will also create room for your partner to be open with you.
The advantage of putting the focus on what they are feeling about the relationship and themselves, rather than focusing on all the evidence you have uncovered, is that it will give you the potential to heal your relationship. Of course there is the possibility your partner will not share and open up. Then you will have to consider where the relationship is going because without openness and talking the relationship will falter and die.
Are you in denial?
If you are frightened of finding out how your partner is feeling you could be even blocking their attempts to communicate their issues. This can result in a situation when they are saying things to you and you are making excuses for them in your mind rather than hearing what they are saying. If you find yourself having conversations with yourself in your head about your partner and what their reasons may be, it is important to recognize that this is denying them the opportunity to open up to you and share what is really going on.
Can you listen?
Listening is not the same as healing - any good counsellor will tell you that. It is important that when you communicate with your partner you make a decision to actually listen. If you think you already know what is happening, there is a danger you will jump in with your beliefs and assessments without actually listening to what they are saying.
Are you asking the right questions?
Remember what you are fighting for: a good, healthy and honourable relationship. Stick to the fundamentals. Getting sidetracked into a slinging match will only drag your self-esteem down even further. Be careful to find out how your partner actually feels about the relationship. What the issues might be. If he/she is having doubts and then if it is heading that way: ask the million dollar question clearly and directly: are you seeing someone else. Or do you want to.
Be confident in your destiny
Whatever the outcome - this is your life and your destiny. If you are meant to be with your partner then this will unfold. You will work through the problems and be closer as a result of it.
If you are lead down another path - trust yourself, trust your destiny. You have other greater things awaiting you and you are being guided to take this new path.
by Michelle Walter
This is a major dilemma. It can make you doubt yourself and your intuition about what is going on. Is it an intuition or is it just a fear? Is s/he or isn't s/he? Sometimes you can have suspicions or know something is going to happen long before anything actually occurs. At other times you can be reading far too much into little gestures and situations. How can you find the truth?
Obsessive attempts to uncover the truth can cause you to lose your confidence. As feelings of jealousy escalate, they can lead you to do things, that in ordinary circumstances, you simply wouldn't do. You might search through email accounts, phone messages, check the distances travelled on the mileage clock of your partner’s car, credit card receipts and the like. And all in a desperate attempt to uncover the truth. You can become like a mad person on a witch hunt, determined to prove that you are correct. This will just increase the doubts, because no matter how much proof you think you have, beyond seeing it with your own eyes or a confession from your partner - you are never going to be totally sure if s/he is or s/he isn't.
Is she or isn't she?
The second side-effect of the ‘is s/he or isn’t s/he?’ duality is that it usually stamps out real attempts to communicate with your partner. When you are jealous, feelings of distrust, anger and fear block honest communication. If indeed your partner is having an affair, or fancies someone else, they are unlikely to share it in this environment. Conversely, if they are innocent, you will be unlikely to believe their protestations.
What is the way forward when you’re in the grip of romantic jealousy?
The real issue of jealousy is much deeper than this duality: is s/he or isn't s/he. Jealousy is a reaction to a real or perceived threat. Whether or not the threat is real, jealousy is not the best reaction. It is part of our human conditioning - so most of us will experience jealousy at one point in our lives. Some people experience jealous reactions so deeply they feel driven to commit crimes. Other people may only feel a twinge of jealousy. Wherever your experiences are along the continuum of jealousy, you face the same challenge: discovering a more harmonious reaction.
Resolve your inner fear.
A lot of jealous feelings are rooted in fear of the future. Paradoxically, fears of the future come from the past! Your previous experiences leave expectations and memories in your body that will be triggered when you face a similar emotional situation. Sometimes your fear can feel like your friend, protecting you from pain and humiliation - but be clear - fear is never your friend. Fear is a limited response based on mistrusting the universe and ultimately mistrusting your own soul. Old fears hang around and limit your potential and keep you focused on the old mistakes. When you let go of fear your senses become alert, your intuition is sharpened and you move into new territory in your life, effectively moving away from the pain of the past.
What to watch for?
Have you been cheated on or betrayed before?
These old ghosts may be distorting your perspective and making you read into things. If you have been duped before, you could be on the alert of being betrayed again. It is important to make sure your new partner is not paying for the crimes of your past lovers!
Did you have a childhood that featured abandonment?
If you do not have a strong sense of security from your early childhood, this can make you hyper-sensitive to threats in the future. You could be more likely than others to believe and expect the worst. This does not necessarily have to be the case. You could have issues in your childhood that are fully resolved now and you have grown from them - however if you have not examined some of your past then these expectations could be distorting your view now.
Connect through communication.
As I mentioned earlier, the only way to resolve your suspicions is to talk openly with your partner. If you are experiencing jealousy, sometimes you could be right - there may be something going on. But often you will find you are picking up that something is wrong in general. There is no point in trying to suppress these warning signs. The challenge is not to respond with fear but to respond with curiosity, to find out how your partner really feels. This will immediately open the doors of communication, because you are putting the emphasis in the right place: what is the underlying feeling or issue. It will also create room for your partner to be open with you.
The advantage of putting the focus on what they are feeling about the relationship and themselves, rather than focusing on all the evidence you have uncovered, is that it will give you the potential to heal your relationship. Of course there is the possibility your partner will not share and open up. Then you will have to consider where the relationship is going because without openness and talking the relationship will falter and die.
Are you in denial?
If you are frightened of finding out how your partner is feeling you could be even blocking their attempts to communicate their issues. This can result in a situation when they are saying things to you and you are making excuses for them in your mind rather than hearing what they are saying. If you find yourself having conversations with yourself in your head about your partner and what their reasons may be, it is important to recognize that this is denying them the opportunity to open up to you and share what is really going on.
Can you listen?
Listening is not the same as healing - any good counsellor will tell you that. It is important that when you communicate with your partner you make a decision to actually listen. If you think you already know what is happening, there is a danger you will jump in with your beliefs and assessments without actually listening to what they are saying.
Are you asking the right questions?
Remember what you are fighting for: a good, healthy and honourable relationship. Stick to the fundamentals. Getting sidetracked into a slinging match will only drag your self-esteem down even further. Be careful to find out how your partner actually feels about the relationship. What the issues might be. If he/she is having doubts and then if it is heading that way: ask the million dollar question clearly and directly: are you seeing someone else. Or do you want to.
Be confident in your destiny
Whatever the outcome - this is your life and your destiny. If you are meant to be with your partner then this will unfold. You will work through the problems and be closer as a result of it.
If you are lead down another path - trust yourself, trust your destiny. You have other greater things awaiting you and you are being guided to take this new path.
by Michelle Walter
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