Jealousy - Are you turning into the green eyed monster?

When you are feeling jealous, there are usually two questions you have: is your partner really cheating on you or is it all just in your mind?

This is a major dilemma. It can make you doubt yourself and your intuition about what is going on. Is it an intuition or is it just a fear? Is s/he or isn't s/he? Sometimes you can have suspicions or know something is going to happen long before anything actually occurs. At other times you can be reading far too much into little gestures and situations. How can you find the truth?

Obsessive attempts to uncover the truth can cause you to lose your confidence. As feelings of jealousy escalate, they can lead you to do things, that in ordinary circumstances, you simply wouldn't do. You might search through email accounts, phone messages, check the distances travelled on the mileage clock of your partner’s car, credit card receipts and the like. And all in a desperate attempt to uncover the truth. You can become like a mad person on a witch hunt, determined to prove that you are correct. This will just increase the doubts, because no matter how much proof you think you have, beyond seeing it with your own eyes or a confession from your partner - you are never going to be totally sure if s/he is or s/he isn't.

Is she or isn't she?
The second side-effect of the ‘is s/he or isn’t s/he?’ duality is that it usually stamps out real attempts to communicate with your partner. When you are jealous, feelings of distrust, anger and fear block honest communication. If indeed your partner is having an affair, or fancies someone else, they are unlikely to share it in this environment. Conversely, if they are innocent, you will be unlikely to believe their protestations.

What is the way forward when you’re in the grip of romantic jealousy?
The real issue of jealousy is much deeper than this duality: is s/he or isn't s/he. Jealousy is a reaction to a real or perceived threat. Whether or not the threat is real, jealousy is not the best reaction. It is part of our human conditioning - so most of us will experience jealousy at one point in our lives. Some people experience jealous reactions so deeply they feel driven to commit crimes. Other people may only feel a twinge of jealousy. Wherever your experiences are along the continuum of jealousy, you face the same challenge: discovering a more harmonious reaction.

Resolve your inner fear.
A lot of jealous feelings are rooted in fear of the future. Paradoxically, fears of the future come from the past! Your previous experiences leave expectations and memories in your body that will be triggered when you face a similar emotional situation. Sometimes your fear can feel like your friend, protecting you from pain and humiliation - but be clear - fear is never your friend. Fear is a limited response based on mistrusting the universe and ultimately mistrusting your own soul. Old fears hang around and limit your potential and keep you focused on the old mistakes. When you let go of fear your senses become alert, your intuition is sharpened and you move into new territory in your life, effectively moving away from the pain of the past.

What to watch for?
Have you been cheated on or betrayed before?
These old ghosts may be distorting your perspective and making you read into things. If you have been duped before, you could be on the alert of being betrayed again. It is important to make sure your new partner is not paying for the crimes of your past lovers!

Did you have a childhood that featured abandonment?
If you do not have a strong sense of security from your early childhood, this can make you hyper-sensitive to threats in the future. You could be more likely than others to believe and expect the worst. This does not necessarily have to be the case. You could have issues in your childhood that are fully resolved now and you have grown from them - however if you have not examined some of your past then these expectations could be distorting your view now.

Connect through communication.
As I mentioned earlier, the only way to resolve your suspicions is to talk openly with your partner. If you are experiencing jealousy, sometimes you could be right - there may be something going on. But often you will find you are picking up that something is wrong in general. There is no point in trying to suppress these warning signs. The challenge is not to respond with fear but to respond with curiosity, to find out how your partner really feels. This will immediately open the doors of communication, because you are putting the emphasis in the right place: what is the underlying feeling or issue. It will also create room for your partner to be open with you.

The advantage of putting the focus on what they are feeling about the relationship and themselves, rather than focusing on all the evidence you have uncovered, is that it will give you the potential to heal your relationship. Of course there is the possibility your partner will not share and open up. Then you will have to consider where the relationship is going because without openness and talking the relationship will falter and die.

Are you in denial?
If you are frightened of finding out how your partner is feeling you could be even blocking their attempts to communicate their issues. This can result in a situation when they are saying things to you and you are making excuses for them in your mind rather than hearing what they are saying. If you find yourself having conversations with yourself in your head about your partner and what their reasons may be, it is important to recognize that this is denying them the opportunity to open up to you and share what is really going on.

Can you listen?
Listening is not the same as healing - any good counsellor will tell you that. It is important that when you communicate with your partner you make a decision to actually listen. If you think you already know what is happening, there is a danger you will jump in with your beliefs and assessments without actually listening to what they are saying.

Are you asking the right questions?
Remember what you are fighting for: a good, healthy and honourable relationship. Stick to the fundamentals. Getting sidetracked into a slinging match will only drag your self-esteem down even further. Be careful to find out how your partner actually feels about the relationship. What the issues might be. If he/she is having doubts and then if it is heading that way: ask the million dollar question clearly and directly: are you seeing someone else. Or do you want to.

Be confident in your destiny
Whatever the outcome - this is your life and your destiny. If you are meant to be with your partner then this will unfold. You will work through the problems and be closer as a result of it.

If you are lead down another path - trust yourself, trust your destiny. You have other greater things awaiting you and you are being guided to take this new path.

by Michelle Walter