The Art of Healing Forgiveness in Relationships
by Bede Nicholson
Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignationor angeragainst another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution (from Wikipedia)
Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." When it comes to relationships, forgiveness is often easier said than done. In theory, we all like the idea that we can accept and love our partner for all their faults and failures, but when we are hurt by someone we love, it is very hard to let go of the emotional pain and memories that surround this.
When our partner has done something wrong, like have an affair or say something hurtful, there can be a real sense of emotional gratification we can gain from emotionally punishing them. They have ‘done us wrong’ and forgiveness can feel like we are some how accepting or condoning that behavior. Alternatively, forgiveness can be used as a means to try and somehow bury an issue under the guise of unconditional love. I cant keep count of how many times a client will keep enduring the same destructive behavior, telling me, “I know he treats me bad, but I forgive him because I love him.”
In truth, forgiveness is not about agreeing or accepting destructive behaviors, neither is it a magic wand that simply heals all problems. Forgiveness is really about letting go of our destructive emotional responses to hurt. Resentment, judgment, indignation are all natural initial responses to being hurt by someone else. We aren’t saints who can just forgive at a moments notice. Forgiveness takes time. But when we hold onto our negative emotions, they become like a poison in the relationship, that keeps resurfacing whenever problems happen.
The affair
Let us take a client of mine. Sally has been in a relationship with Brett for 10 years. Brett had been having affairs on and off for the last 2 yrs. Sally knows this, but feels that she want to make the marriage work. She has 4 children and has a strong sense of family values. She knows she loves Brett, but he seems to be going through a very selfish phase. Brett isn’t serious about leaving the relationship, but his affairs are an outlet for escape and emotional gratification.
Each time Sally has found out about an affair, she has confronted Brett. He promised not do it again. Sally forgives him and then he does it again. Sally is now at a point where she is not sure whether she can make it work. Brett tells her that he feels trapped in the relationship and that Sally doesn’t really seem to care about him, but more about the kids. He wants affection but Sally seems unable to give it. Sally admits she is still very angry about his first affair but feels that Brett should be more understanding.
The above story is a classic example of how not to forgive. Sally has wanted the marriage to work so she has decided not to kick Brett out, but in reality she hadn’t really decided to forgive. As I did more readings with Sally I discovered that Sally had buried a huge amount of anger and resentment towards Brett. This anger started even before the affair, and related to Sally feeling that she had to always be the adult in the relationship and Brett behaved like a child. As Sally became increasingly dismissive towards him, Brett looked to another woman who would see him as more of a man. Both Brett and Sally didn’t have the skills to communicate how they really felt, and of course, the problem just kept getting worse.
How different this situation could have been if the simple healing art of forgiveness was fully understood. For Sally, forgiveness was really about putting up and shutting up, rather than about learning to heal the hurt she felt about Brett's lack of emotional responsibility. Brett never really forgave Sally for her coldness and inability to deal with the relationship.
So, how can you really forgive?
The first step is very simple - acknowledgment. Identify your real feelings and emotional response to hurt. Don’t rationalize it and try and judge your feelings. Do you feel venomous? Do you feel like hurting him back? Accept these feeling rather than try and bury them.
The second step is communication. If you try and bottle up your feeling they invariably end up coming out in some other way. If you are feeling hurt, angry or resentful your partner will most likely feel this anyway. The belief that you can hide your feelings is an illusion.
Step Three – Don’t wait for the other party to say they are sorry. Many people only feel they can forgive when the other person admits they are wrong. This often leads to an emotional stalemate in the relationship, where each party waits for the other person to admit their faults. Forgiveness is not conditional on the other person’s acceptance of their faults. That because forgiveness is about healing yourself. Forgiveness is the ultimate act of self-love. You may be also be surprised that once you truly forgive how this creates a space for the other person to accept responsibility. Anger and resentment create defensive blocks in the other person. When a person feels your forgiveness they are more prepared to open up about their feelings.
The art of healing forgiveness is really about understanding that forgiveness is not about absolving other people of their faults, but about you healing your own hurts and anger so you can begin to move forward in your life. Once fully realized, true forgiveness can be one of the most liberating experience of your relationship.
tirsdag 8. april 2008
onsdag 9. januar 2008
Learning to love your life
"Believe it or not, every day is a blank slate - a canvass upon which to draw your own picture.
Why then does it seem as though the day is already mapped out for you - demands, jobs, commitments, emotions and so on? The list of what fills your day can be endless. Or, on the other hand, your day can seem to be empty, devoid of real purpose or activity. Either way, the day seems to be created for you, not by you.
How do you create your own day again?
Things to take into consideration...
Your unique destiny:
Everyone single person has a reason for being, or else they simply wouldn't be here. You brought yourself into existence. Why?
This is a good question, and in fact you can spend a lifetime answering it, or at least, revising your answer. Even if you are not fully aware of your destiny, you can still link into some reason for being here now.
To change your life, you must take steps forward from where you are now. You can't simply work out a new life in your head and then jump into it. Everything in the universe requires a focused intention to come into being. So your new life too, will require some intelligent focus before it comes into being.
Instead of becoming disconnected in your thoughts, imagining where you should be / want to be / don't want to be ... focus on understanding why you are where you are. What does this step mean in the context of your entire journey? You cannot move into the next town without having traveled the road that leads to it.
Piecing the puzzle together
This is called ‘finding the pieces of the puzzle’. Understand how each part of your life is a piece and each piece fits together in a great picture - and that picture is your life story. The reason for using the puzzle analogy is that with a puzzle, it doesn't make any sense until you put all the pieces together. And sometimes life is like that - you don't understand the full picture until you have lived out a bit and gone through certain experiences. Sure, your intuition can support you in gaining a vision of what the final picture is, but unless you are a very open and flexible person, this vision can become just another expectation in your mind. Many people hold on to these expectations in their mind of where they are going or how their life is going to turn out. These expectations become burdens that they then carry into each new day. This is what stops most of us from painting on our empty canvas. Instead of looking out the window, eager for what we might see, we look out expecting to see the same scenery as yesterday. These expectations are what stops life from being fresh and new.
How to reclaim your happiness
True and lasting happiness only comes when you are flowing with life. People who can be happy in the face of adverse circumstances are a marvel to us all. We admire these people because we know that sometimes it is a challenge to be happy, even when you don't have any reason to complain. One of the most extraordinary recorded examples of the triumph of a positive attitude in the face of adversity is the example of Victor Frankl. Victor Frankl was imprisoned in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany, a horrific and traumatic experience, everyone will agree. However Victor took a different approach. Being scientific in mind, he observed that those prisoners who had something to live for, a meaning in their life, actually lived longer. Those who felt there was no meaning gave up and died. Victor found that it didn't matter what the meaning was: love, family, work, whatever floats your boat. It is unique and personal. Yet the common element was the sense of meaning in life.
The important message in this is clear: how you choose to look at your life has profound implications for personal happiness, regardless of your actual circumstances.
How can you connect with your destiny?
The meaning of your life does not come from achieving certain goals or having a great relationship. These things will come and go in life. Your personal destiny is a sense of why you are here and who you really are. When you are connected to this feeling, it is easy to direct your boat through the sometimes turbulent waters of life. You know which direction to take because you have a sense of what is important for you. This sense of destiny can help you to overcome great obstacles and do great things. Stop and think for a moment:
* What is really important to you?
* What is the gift that you bring into the world?
* What are you most valued for with others?
Starting the day afresh.
Before you start each day, just stop. Take a few minutes to connect with your unfolding destiny. Remember, you may not know the whole story but you can see a sign that will take you to the next step.
No matter what you feel is going wrong in your life - relationship issues, emotional dissatisfaction, boredom, or whatever - take a minute to reconnect with what is most important in your life: YOU! So many times, we allow other people to become the important thing in our life: holding onto a relationship, striving to reach an achievement, searching for the missing half. All these things take you further and further away from your true happiness. Your happiness doesn't lie in achieving goals or having a perfect life. We see plenty of grumpy celebrities out there, despite having what seems to be a perfect body, a perfect relationship and lots of money. When you are connected to your true self - your unique inner strength and your purpose in life to share that gift with the world -your life transforms! People are drawn to you, good things happen spontaneously for you, and when they don't, you have the inner courage to overcome the difficulties with grace. It may sound like a dream, but it isn't. If Victor Frankl can do it whilst being tortured in a prison, we can do it in the comfort of our ordinary lives too!
Why then does it seem as though the day is already mapped out for you - demands, jobs, commitments, emotions and so on? The list of what fills your day can be endless. Or, on the other hand, your day can seem to be empty, devoid of real purpose or activity. Either way, the day seems to be created for you, not by you.
How do you create your own day again?
Things to take into consideration...
Your unique destiny:
Everyone single person has a reason for being, or else they simply wouldn't be here. You brought yourself into existence. Why?
This is a good question, and in fact you can spend a lifetime answering it, or at least, revising your answer. Even if you are not fully aware of your destiny, you can still link into some reason for being here now.
To change your life, you must take steps forward from where you are now. You can't simply work out a new life in your head and then jump into it. Everything in the universe requires a focused intention to come into being. So your new life too, will require some intelligent focus before it comes into being.
Instead of becoming disconnected in your thoughts, imagining where you should be / want to be / don't want to be ... focus on understanding why you are where you are. What does this step mean in the context of your entire journey? You cannot move into the next town without having traveled the road that leads to it.
Piecing the puzzle together
This is called ‘finding the pieces of the puzzle’. Understand how each part of your life is a piece and each piece fits together in a great picture - and that picture is your life story. The reason for using the puzzle analogy is that with a puzzle, it doesn't make any sense until you put all the pieces together. And sometimes life is like that - you don't understand the full picture until you have lived out a bit and gone through certain experiences. Sure, your intuition can support you in gaining a vision of what the final picture is, but unless you are a very open and flexible person, this vision can become just another expectation in your mind. Many people hold on to these expectations in their mind of where they are going or how their life is going to turn out. These expectations become burdens that they then carry into each new day. This is what stops most of us from painting on our empty canvas. Instead of looking out the window, eager for what we might see, we look out expecting to see the same scenery as yesterday. These expectations are what stops life from being fresh and new.
How to reclaim your happiness
True and lasting happiness only comes when you are flowing with life. People who can be happy in the face of adverse circumstances are a marvel to us all. We admire these people because we know that sometimes it is a challenge to be happy, even when you don't have any reason to complain. One of the most extraordinary recorded examples of the triumph of a positive attitude in the face of adversity is the example of Victor Frankl. Victor Frankl was imprisoned in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany, a horrific and traumatic experience, everyone will agree. However Victor took a different approach. Being scientific in mind, he observed that those prisoners who had something to live for, a meaning in their life, actually lived longer. Those who felt there was no meaning gave up and died. Victor found that it didn't matter what the meaning was: love, family, work, whatever floats your boat. It is unique and personal. Yet the common element was the sense of meaning in life.
The important message in this is clear: how you choose to look at your life has profound implications for personal happiness, regardless of your actual circumstances.
How can you connect with your destiny?
The meaning of your life does not come from achieving certain goals or having a great relationship. These things will come and go in life. Your personal destiny is a sense of why you are here and who you really are. When you are connected to this feeling, it is easy to direct your boat through the sometimes turbulent waters of life. You know which direction to take because you have a sense of what is important for you. This sense of destiny can help you to overcome great obstacles and do great things. Stop and think for a moment:
* What is really important to you?
* What is the gift that you bring into the world?
* What are you most valued for with others?
Starting the day afresh.
Before you start each day, just stop. Take a few minutes to connect with your unfolding destiny. Remember, you may not know the whole story but you can see a sign that will take you to the next step.
No matter what you feel is going wrong in your life - relationship issues, emotional dissatisfaction, boredom, or whatever - take a minute to reconnect with what is most important in your life: YOU! So many times, we allow other people to become the important thing in our life: holding onto a relationship, striving to reach an achievement, searching for the missing half. All these things take you further and further away from your true happiness. Your happiness doesn't lie in achieving goals or having a perfect life. We see plenty of grumpy celebrities out there, despite having what seems to be a perfect body, a perfect relationship and lots of money. When you are connected to your true self - your unique inner strength and your purpose in life to share that gift with the world -your life transforms! People are drawn to you, good things happen spontaneously for you, and when they don't, you have the inner courage to overcome the difficulties with grace. It may sound like a dream, but it isn't. If Victor Frankl can do it whilst being tortured in a prison, we can do it in the comfort of our ordinary lives too!
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