Can you forgive me?

The Art of Healing Forgiveness in Relationships
by Bede Nicholson

Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignationor angeragainst another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution (from Wikipedia)

Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." When it comes to relationships, forgiveness is often easier said than done. In theory, we all like the idea that we can accept and love our partner for all their faults and failures, but when we are hurt by someone we love, it is very hard to let go of the emotional pain and memories that surround this.

When our partner has done something wrong, like have an affair or say something hurtful, there can be a real sense of emotional gratification we can gain from emotionally punishing them. They have ‘done us wrong’ and forgiveness can feel like we are some how accepting or condoning that behavior. Alternatively, forgiveness can be used as a means to try and somehow bury an issue under the guise of unconditional love. I cant keep count of how many times a client will keep enduring the same destructive behavior, telling  me, “I know he treats me bad, but I forgive him because I love him.”

In truth, forgiveness is not about agreeing or accepting destructive behaviors, neither is it a magic wand that simply heals all problems. Forgiveness is really about letting go of our destructive emotional responses to hurt. Resentment, judgment, indignation are all natural initial responses to being hurt by someone else. We aren’t saints who can just forgive at a moments notice. Forgiveness takes time. But when we hold onto our negative emotions, they become like a poison in the relationship, that keeps resurfacing whenever problems happen.

The affair
Let us take a client of mine. Sally has been in a relationship with Brett for 10 years. Brett had been having affairs on and off for the last 2 yrs. Sally knows this, but feels that she want to make the marriage work. She has 4 children and has a strong sense of family values. She knows she loves Brett, but he seems to be going through a very selfish phase. Brett isn’t serious about leaving the relationship, but his affairs are an outlet for escape and emotional gratification.

Each time Sally has found out about an affair, she has confronted Brett. He promised not do it again. Sally forgives him and then he does it again. Sally is now at a point where she is not sure whether she can make it work. Brett tells her that he feels trapped in the relationship and that Sally doesn’t really seem to care about him, but more about the kids. He wants affection but Sally seems unable to give it. Sally admits she is still very angry about his first affair but feels that Brett should be more understanding.

The above story is a classic example of how not to forgive. Sally has wanted the marriage to work so she has decided not to kick Brett out, but in reality she hadn’t really decided to forgive. As I did more readings with Sally I discovered that Sally had buried a huge amount of anger and resentment towards Brett. This anger started even before the affair, and related to Sally feeling that she had to always be the adult in the relationship and Brett behaved like a child. As Sally became increasingly dismissive towards him, Brett looked to another woman who would see him as more of a man. Both Brett and Sally didn’t have the skills to communicate how they really felt, and of course, the problem just kept getting worse.

How different this situation could have been if the simple healing art of forgiveness was fully understood. For Sally, forgiveness was really about putting up and shutting up, rather than about learning to heal the hurt she felt about Brett's lack of emotional responsibility. Brett never really forgave Sally for her coldness and inability to deal with the relationship.

So, how can you really forgive?
The first step is very simple - acknowledgment. Identify your real feelings and emotional response to hurt. Don’t rationalize it and try and judge your feelings. Do you feel venomous? Do you feel like hurting him back? Accept these feeling rather than try and bury them.

The second step is communication. If you try and bottle up your feeling they invariably end up coming out in some other way. If you are feeling hurt, angry or resentful your partner will most likely feel this anyway. The belief that you can hide your feelings is an illusion.

Step Three – Don’t wait for the other party to say they are sorry. Many people only feel they can forgive when the other person admits they are wrong. This often leads to an emotional stalemate in the relationship, where each party waits for the other person to admit their faults. Forgiveness is not conditional on the other person’s acceptance of their faults. That because forgiveness is about healing yourself. Forgiveness is the ultimate act of self-love. You may be also be surprised that once you truly forgive how this creates a space for the other person to accept responsibility. Anger and resentment create defensive blocks in the other person. When a person feels your forgiveness they are more prepared to open up about their feelings.

The art of healing forgiveness is really about understanding that forgiveness is not about absolving other people of their faults, but about you healing your own hurts and anger so you can begin to move forward in your life. Once fully realized, true forgiveness can be one of the most liberating experience of your relationship.