What is love?

A few years ago, I spoke to a group of high-schoolers about the Jewish idea of love.

"Someone define love," I said.

No response.

"Doesn't anyone want to try?" I asked.

Still no response.

"Tell you what: I'll define it, and you raise your hands if you agree. Okay?"

Nods.

"Okay. Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person."

Every hand went up. And I thought, Oy.

This is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic "just isn't there" anymore. You fall in love, and you can fall out of it.
The key word is passivity. Erich Fromm, in his famous treatise "The Art of Loving," noted the sad consequence of this misconception: "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love." (That was back in 1956 -- chances are he'd be even more pessimistic today.)

So what is love -- real, lasting love?

Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.

The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!" he told her passionately. "And I've never met a man with such morals!" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages ("The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts"), Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding."

To the Jewish mind, it isn't unexpected at all. What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.

LOVE IS A CHOICE

If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen -- you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily.

I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us. Judaism actually idealizes this universal, unconditional love.

Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning.

Susan learned about this foundation of love after becoming engaged to David. When she called her parents to tell them the good news, they were elated. At the end of the conversation, her mother said, "Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love David."

Susan was a bit dubious. "Mom," she said hesitantly, "I really appreciate your feelings, but, in all honesty, how can you say you love someone you've never met?"

By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.

"We're choosing to love him," her mother explained, "because love is a choice."
There's no better wisdom Susan's mother could have imparted to her before marriage. By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.

ACTIONS AFFECT FEELINGS

Now that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? The way God created us, actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving tzedaka (charity) will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving -- and that means giving.

While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth (as Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler writes in his famous discourse on loving kindness) is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love.

What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday -- a triple-decker toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.

True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, "the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to "grow and unfold as he [or she] is." These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.

OPENING YOURSELF TO OTHERS

The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.

The more you give, the more you love.

Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who've given you more than you'll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they'll love you.

Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time -- which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.

A woman I know once explained why she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs," she told me. "The downs can be really low -- and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse."
Dr. Jill Murray (author of "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships") writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving -- not only saying, "I love you," but showing it.

"Bare du er.. Det er nok.. Takk"

(denne fant jeg - utrolig nok - i Se og Hør!)

Sex and Friendship - Can friends be lovers?

What happens when the line between friendship and sex is crossed, when friends become lovers all of a sudden? Perhaps Dr Evil said it best in Austin Powers when he sleeps with his evil henchwoman, Frau Farbissina - “It just got a little bit weird, didn’t it!’

The Christmas Party Moment

We can spend years erecting the most intricate emotional boundaries, reinforced by complex sexual undercurrents, and coded with the most cryptic communication. We feel completely protected.

Then one night at a Christmas party, or over a heart-felt outpouring about a relationship breakdown, a random thought just comes into your head. Perhaps all these months of talking about ex partners, and discussion about life and love weren’t just a purely platonic exchange. Perhaps I didn’t find this friend attractive to begin with, but now I think about it, I really love the twinkle in my friend’s eye. I love the fact when my friend says something cheeky, or when he looks at me knowingly when I’m about to get angry. Gasp, shock, denial! Maybe I have feelings for my friend.

Then suddenly the sexual undercurrent become like a bursting damn. The cryptic communication is cracked and your affectionate comments sound like a car alarm filling the midnight streets. The barrier between sex and friendship, lovers and friends comes crashing down, and suddenly you feel like Eve in the Garden of Eden, embarrassingly aware of your own emotional nakedness.

Crossing the Line

The onslaught of these feelings brings a new strangeness to your relationship. Conversations that were once meaningless exchanges become significant beyond words, bouncing in your mind again and again. His little barbs are like swords through the heart, and intimate jokes leave you light-headed. Oh my god - what a romantic nightmare! You can bare no more. Over a couple drinks, you share your feelings. He seems confused and unsure, but the passion is alive and intense, and that night you finally step across that line – the line you both swore you would never cross, become lovers from being just friends.

This typical story has many endings. Some read like Mills and Boon novels, others like Shakespearean tragedy, but many end up in that messy awkward middle, stuck between the comfortable distance of friendship and awkward vulnerability of sex or love.

A happy ending?

So, what’s the solution to this age-old tale? Can there be a happy ending after all? Can we retreat back to safety, away from the no-man’s land between sex, love and friendship? Or are we forever doomed to walk the earth, never knowing quite where we stand?

This is not an easy problem to solve. When we encounter this situation, the first thing we have to do is be honest with ourselves. What do we really want from this friendship? Have we mistaken emotional closeness with sexual attraction? Do I really want a love relationship of that sort with this person, or were they just there for me at a time when I needed them?

I think part of the problem we confront in such situations is that relationships don’t always fit into nice neat boxes. Sometimes we feel sexually attracted to people we couldn’t really form a friendship with. At other times we love people, but just don’t feel sexually attracted to them. Yet sexual attraction and emotions are never static. There is a fluidity and instability about attraction that can leave us unsure at times of what on earth we really feel. We have a belief, often informed by Hollywood romance, about how love and relationship form from being friends. Reality can be much messier.

The Golden Rule

My golden rule here is quite simple - never rush into things. Many mistakes are made by simply jumping in at the deep end without giving time for the murkiness to dissipate. There is nothing like time to give clarity.

by Bede Nicholson

There is no rush to decide whether sex or love between friends means more or if it means just that – sex.

Et hjerte kan slå

Et hjerte kan briste

En venn kan man få

En venn kan man miste

I mitt hjerte er du gjemt

For en venn som deg blir aldri glemt

(motatt av Maren)

If you think your mission on earth is finished
If you are alive, it isn't...

Motatt av Olav Maaland

Den skjønneste sjelevandring er den å se seg selv gjenoppstå i en annen.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

“Outside of a dog, a book is a mans best friend.
And inside of a dog
- its too dark to read”
(Groucko Marx)

Motatt av Ketil Ulvesæter, Rosendal

“Home” – the dictionary defines it as both “a place of origin” and a “goal of destination”.

All of life is a coming home..

Salesmen, secretaries, teachers, directors…. all of us – all the restless hearts of the world

– are all trying to find their way home.

Picture yourself walking for days in diving snow,

even though you know your are walking in circles.

The heaviness of your legs – your shouts disappearing into the wind

- or as the poet Dante put it;

“in the middle of the journey of my life,

I found myself in the dark woods

– for I had lost the right path”.

How small you can feel

– how far from home you can be…

I love you without knowing how,
and when
or from where.
I love you straightforwardly
without complexities
nor pride.
So I love you because I know no other way than this.
So close
that your hand on my chest
is my hand.
So close
that when you close your eyes
I fall asleep…”

UNINTED

You could be my unintended

Choice to live my life extended

You could be the one I'll always love

You could be the one

who listens to my deepest inquisitions

You could be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can

But I'm busy mending broken pieces

of the life I had before

First there was the one who challenged

All my dreams and all my balance

She could never be as good as you

You could be my unintended

Choice to live my life extended

You should be the one I'll always love

I'll be there as soon as I can

But I'm busy mending broken pieces

of the life I had before

I'll be there as soon as I can

But I'm busy mending broken pieces

of the life I had beforeBefore you

(lyrics from Muse)

Den skjønneste sjelevandring er den å se seg selv gjenoppstå i en annen.

Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

Dikt til Nora

Til min kjære Nora
fra Pappa.

Når du sover,
flytter jeg lampen litt til side,
slik at bare et demrende skinn
svever over
din skulder, ditt hår, ditt barnekinn,
først når du sover
synes jeg at du er helt min

Det som dagen har risset inn
av linjer i dine unge trekk,
av lek og travelhet og trass som brenner,
har søvnen med myke farshender
strøket vekk

Slik som ditt hode hviler mot armen,
ligger det som en fugl i sitt rede.
bøyer jeg meg, kan jeg kjenne varmen
mot meg strømme,
mettet med mørket av dine gode drømmer

Armen rund,
din varme, deilige barnemunn,
et sovende smil, en bris av din pust
og som et bølgende land av lykke,
din mages bue –
dette er gitt meg i denne stund,
i denne stue!

Gode er også de kalde
dager, bare de slutter sånn
at jeg for alltid kan sitte å holde,
alltid holde din barnehånd!

Nora, Nora,
Når du sover,
Da er du bare mitt lille barn,
Som jeg alltid vil våke over.

Om Kjærlighet - og det å elske

You are the answer to every prayer I've said.
I couldn't have made you more perfect if I tried.
You have become a thief and stolen my heart.
Please don't be a vandal and break it.
(Angelina Kristine)



I dag vil jeg ta opp et av de vanskeligste tema å bli klok på;

Kjærligheten.

Dette vanskelige ord, som vi alle tror vi vet hva er, men som så mange av oss sliter med.

Først av alt vil jeg gjerne fastslå følgende fakta; Å elske er risikabelt - og kjærligheten er full av feller. Når den manifesterer seg, ser vi bare lyset den utstråler, men ikke skyggene den skaper. Og den som elsker må også lære seg å miste og å lære å finne seg selv igjen.

Dette høres jo veldig dramatisk ut. Men intet gjør så godt som å elske og bli elsket igjen, og intet er så vondt som å elske og miste den man elsker.

I et forhold blir vi gjentatte ganger grepet av en følelse av vemod som vi ikke klarer å beherske. Vi skjønner at denne dagens magiske øyeblikk og muligheter er over, og at vi gjorde ingenting. Livet skjuler sin magi og sin kunst. Og vi lar dagene gå, uten egentlig å leve. Og elske.

Hva skal vi så gjøre for virkelig å kunne elske?

Jeg tror vi må lytte til det barnet vi en gang var og som fortsatt lever inne i oss. Dette barnet vet hva magiske øyeblikk er. Vi kan dempe barnets gråt, men vi kan ikke kneble dets stemme. Det barnet vi en gang var, fortsetter vi å være. Hvis vi ikke lytter på barnet inne i oss på nytt, hvis vi ikke kan betrakte verden gjennom barndommens uskyld og entusiasme, vil ikke kjærligheten – og derved heller ikke livet, lenger ha noen mening.

La oss lytte til hva det sier, dette barnet som vi alle har i våre hjerter. La oss ikke skamme oss over det. Ikke la det leve i angst. For dem som ikke elsker, er det alene, og blir nesten aldri hørt. Vi må la barnet i oss ta tømmene igjen i våre liv. Dette barnet som vet at den ene dagen ikke er den andre lik, og som elsker sine nærmeste så betingelsesløst. Lar vi barnet i oss få det til å føle seg elsket igjen og om vi lar det bli glad – selv om det betyr at vi oppfører oss på en måte vi ikke er vant til, ja selv om det fortoner seg som idioti i andres øyne, først da kan vi virkelig elske.

Og bli elsket igjen.

Husk at menneskenes klokskap er dårskap i universets øyne. Hvis vi lytter til banet vi bærer i vår sjel, vil våre øyne skinne igjen. Hvis vi ikke mister kontakten med dette barnet, vil vi heller ikke miste kontakten med livet – og kjærligheten.

Vi har alle opplevd smerte i forhold til det å elske. Og fordi vi har hatt det vondt, føler vi at universet omkring oss ikke vil oss vel. Vi har alle minst en gang forsøkt å elske av hele vårt hjerte, og om kjærligheten tar slutt sitter vi igjen med følelsen av å bli tråkket på, at vi blir forrådt. Vi har lært at gud er kjærlighet. Men hvorfor bryr han seg da ikke mer om følelsene mine? Gud er kanskje kjærlighet, men det er desverre ikke gud som forstår den best.

Det er lett å miste kjærligheten. Etter som forelskelsen går over, og dagliglivet tar kontrollen over oss igjen, kommer sakte angsten, usikkerheten og uviljen mot å gripe det mirakuløse. For i morgen kan alt ta slutt, og vi sitter igjen med smerten.

Den er som et terningsspill. Det blir kaster en terning, og ingen spør oss om vi vil være med på leken eller ei. Terningene bryr seg ikke om du forlater en mann eller kvinne, et hus, et arbeid, eller en drøm. Terningene gir blanke i det faktum at du har et liv der hver ting har sin plass, og at ethvert ønske kan bli virkeliggjort gjennom arbeid og utholdenhet. De tar ikke hensyn til våre planer og våre håp; et eller annet sted der ute i universet kastes det terning – og du blir valgt. Fra da av er det å vinne eller tape et spørsmål om tilfeldigheter.

Universet spiller terning, og den slipper kjærligheten fri fra sitt bur. Denne kraften som kan skape eller knuse – avhengig av vindens retning i det øyeblikk den slipper ut fra sitt fengsel.

Heldigvis så opplever mange at vinden så langt har blåst i deres retning. Men husk at vindene er like lunefulle som været. Kjærligheten må pleies og den må kjempes for. Hvert år, hver måned, ja hver dag om en skal være så heldig å få fortsette å ha sin kjære ved sin side.

Kjærligheten er de gales verk, heter det. Men den som er i stand til å beherske sitt hjerte – og å elske, er også i stand til å beherske verden.

Og det er derfor bedre å tape noen slag i kampen for sine drømmer og sin kjærlighet, enn å bli beseiret uten en gang å vite hvorfor du slåss.

Dette ble en veldig lang blog, men jeg vil gjerne komme med et lite ord til slutt i forhold til disse alvorlige betraktninger om helt eksistensielle spørsmål i vår tilværelse:

Husk at universets krefter går alltid sammen for å hjelpe oss å slåss for drømmene våre, samme hvor tåpelige de kan virke.

Nettopp fordi de er våre drømmer, og det er bare vi som vet hva det koster oss å drømme dem.

Et ord som er sagt, og en stein som er kastet,kan aldri tilbakekalles
(ukjent)
.......................................................

Dette er kloke ord, som vi alle har noe å lære av. Jeg kan for min del bare snakke for meg. Har siden jeg var liten selv hatt en stor trang til frihet, og friheten til å leve livet må min måte er fortsatt noe jeg setter veldig høyt.

Men denne trang til frihet har også hatt sin pris, som jeg kanskje ikke er villig til å betale lenger.

Den har fått meg til å gjøre mange ting som jeg ikke burde ha gjort, og som jeg vil forsøke ikke å gjøre igjen.

Den har gitt meg store og dype arr i kropp og sjel, og jeg har også såret mennesker dypt, mennesker som jeg er glad i og som har betydd mye for meg, både i privatlivet og i forretninger. Men jeg forsøker hele tiden å lære av mine mange feil, men vet at jeg nok aldri vil lykkes helt. Det ligger i menneskets natur å gjøre feil valg og beslutninger. Hver dag, hver time, gjør vi våre valg som påvirker vår framtid og menneskene rundt oss.
.
Noen har jeg bedt om unnskyldning og tilgivelse, andre står for tur.

Jeg vet bedre enn de fleste at friheten har en høy pris. Nesten like høy som slaveriets pris; den eneste forskjellen er at man betaler den med glede og et smil om munnen, selv når det er et smil gjennom tårer.

Menneskene rundt meg ser smilet.

Men ikke tårene.

Hvem er vi egentlig?

Hvordan finner vi mot til å være tro mot oss selv når vi ikke en gang hvet vem vi er?
(Paulo Coelho)
……………………………………………………………..

Vi lever i en stadig mer hektisk hverdag, med press på alle kanter; det være seg jobb, familie og for veldig mange av oss manglende tid til å gjøre det en har lyst til.
Enkelte ganger kan det være lurt å stopp opp litt, og fundere litt over livet og hva vi ønsker oss av dette.

Det eneste vi vet, er at vi blir født, og at vi en gang skal reise fra denne vakre jordkloden som vi alle er en del av. Vi vet også at dagen i dag får en aldri tilbake.


Ha en kjempefin dag!