Wise words for those wounded by love

General provisions:

A – Whereas the saying “all is fair in love and war” is absolutely correct;

B – Whereas for war we have the Geneva Convention, approved on 22 August 1864, which provides for those wounded in the battle field, but until now no convention has been signed concerning those wounded in love, who are far greater in number;

It is hereby decreed that:

Article 1 – All lovers, of any sex, are alerted that love, besides being a blessing, is also something extremely dangerous, unpredictable and capable of causing serious damage. Consequently, anyone planning to love should be aware that they are exposing their body and soul to various types of wounds, and that they shall not be able to blame their partner at any moment, since the risk is the same for both.

Article 2 – Once struck by a stray arrow fired from Cupid’s bow, they should immediately ask the archer to shoot the same arrow in the opposite direction, so as not to be afflicted by the wound known as “unrequited love”. Should Cupid refuse to perform such a gesture, the Convention now being promulgated demands that the wounded partner remove the arrow from his/her heart and throw it in the garbage. In order to guarantee this, those concerned should avoid telephone calls, messages over the Internet, sending flowers that are always returned, or each and every means of seduction, since these may yield results in the short run but always end up wrong after a while. The Convention decrees that the wounded person should immediately seek the company of other people and try to control the obsessive thought: “this person is worth fighting for”.

Article 3 – If the wound is caused by third parties, in other words if the loved one has become interested in someone not in the script previously drafted, vengeance is expressly forbidden. In this case, it is allowed to use tears until the eyes dry up, to punch walls or pillows, to insult the ex-partner in conversations with friends, to allege his/her complete lack of taste, but without offending their honor. The Convention determines that the rule contained in Article 2 be applied: seek the company of other persons, preferably in places different from those frequented by the other party.

Article 4 – In the case of light wounds, herein classified as small treacheries, fulminating passions that are short-lived, passing sexual disinterest, the medicine called Pardon should be applied generously and quickly. Once this medicine has been applied, one should never reconsider one’s decision, not even once, and the theme must be completely forgotten and never used as an argument in a fight or in a moment of hatred.

Article 5 – In all definitive wounds, also known as “breaking up”, the only medicine capable of having an effect is called Time. It is no use seeking consolation from fortune-tellers (who always say that the lost lover will return), romantic books (which always have a happy ending), soap-operas on the television or other such things. One should suffer intensely, completely avoiding drugs, tranquilizers and praying to saints. Alcohol is only tolerated if kept to a maximum of two glasses of wine a day.

Final determination:
Those wounded in love, unlike those wounded in armed conflict, are neither victims nor torturers. They chose something that is part of life, and so they have to accept both the agony and the ecstasy of their choice.
And those who have never been wounded in love will never be able to say: “I have lived”. Because they haven’t.


Thanks for these great words, Paulo Coelho!

Tell me your magic moment, and i tell you who you are....

Some moments are pure magic.

So magic that even a grown up guy can shed a tear or two, knowing that for him, this moment is something that he will treasure for the rest of his life. 

It doesn’t have to be a big event.  Just a daily episode that could mean nothing for most people, but it could still mean the world to you.   A moment of love, remembering, sorrow, longing, or even something you cannot define – it is just there, flowing from somewhere deep inside into all parts of your brain, making you aware that you are now experiencing something so special that it will forever be there, a major part of what is making you be the person you are...

And when you think of it, you may not find to many moments,  that really qualify for this short circuit inside that tells you that your personality will be marked forever.

Some of these moments are to personal to express here.  Others could have had just the same impact on your life and soul, and can be shared.

I have a few… Some only on the qualifying list, but that doesn’t really count here. Like Coldplay performing Fix You on a magic September night at Wembley,  London in 2009.  It was magic, but still just a runner up. 

But one moment in the music world did have an impact on me. Forever.

It was 19 August 1997.  It was a late summer night.  And it was Michael Jackson. 

Not one of my favorites at the time, I must admit.  But for my son Ivar, at the age of 10 it was his biggest dream was to see Michael, and who can resist trying to fulfill your children’s dream when you can help him achieve it?  I am not going to tell the story how I bought the VIP tickets with backstage passes, or the fact that my sons anticipation was actually making him sick, so we had to go in the middle of the show (and what a show) that prevented us to go backstage.

But it was this magic moment again…  Not anticipated, nor expected (not being very interested in Michael Jackson) – it just hit me like a hammer. Out of the blue – with the help of a magic artist, the moon and some magnificent birds…

It was in the twilight zone between day and night.  A slow intro… and the crowd went crazy for a few seconds before just staring and listening in awe when this superb entertainer started singing.  Just then, the clouds broke up… and there was a full moon coming up.  No show plan could even anticipate such a scenery; Michael Jackson on his monumental stage, covered in the light of the moon… and then, as if this was not magic enough, the moment is there;  

A group of beautiful white swans decided that this is the time to pass Valle Hovin arena… they fly “through” the moon…. slowly… Full of grace, and the magic moment was completed…

What I was thinking…? 

I will not tell… but it made an impact for the rest of my life, and I hope that when my day comes, I will relive this moment, together with the other magic moments, before I close my eyes and go to sleep…

And the song?  “You are not alone”…..  Do I need to say more?

I was born the day I met you, lived a while when you loved me, died a little when we broke apart... ..

The Hardest Part... (link to video here)

And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
Was the hardest part
And the strangest thing
Was waiting for that bell to ring
It was the strangest start
I could feel it go down
Bittersweet, I could taste in my mouth
Silver lining the cloud
Oh and I
I wish that I could work it out
And the hardest part
Was letting go, not taking part
You really broke my heart
And I tried to sing
But I couldn't think of anything
And that was the hardest part
I could feel it go down
You left the sweetest taste in my mouth
You're a silver lining the clouds
Oh and I
Oh and I
I wonder what it's all about
I wonder what it's all about
Everything I know is wrong
Everything I do, it's just comes undone
And everything is torn apart
Oh and it's the hardest part
That's the hardest part
Yeah that's the hardest part
That's the hardest part

I am geting married...

Yes, i am not joking! I am getting married... I don't know when... I am not even sure that the woman of my dreams want me... but i can hope, and i can dream... and dreams are the one thing that noone can take away from you..

But i think she knows... and when she say yes, it will be the start of a new beginning, a new life.. a life filled with happiness, laughter, love.. and music... Thank you my love, for coming into my life..

Here is a great song to celebrate a past ending, and a new life beginning, by Don Henley..'

ON MY WEDDING DAY

For my wedding, I will dress in black
And never again will I look back

Ah, my dark angels we must part

For I've made a sanctuary of my heart

To want what I have

To take what I'm given with grace
For this I pray

On my wedding day

For my wedding, I don't want violins
Or sentimental songs about thick and thin
I want a moment of silence and a moment of prayer
For the love we'll need to make it in the world out there

To want what I have
To take what I'm given with grace
For this I pray
On my wedding day
On my wedding day

I dream, and my dreams are all glory and light
That's what I've wanted for my life
And if it hasn't always been that way
Well, I can dream and I can pray
On my wedding day

So what makes us any different from all the others
Who have tried and failed before us
Maybe nothing, maybe nothing at all
But I pray we're the lucky ones; I pray we never fall

To want what we have

To take what we're given with grace

For these things I pray
On my wedding day
On my wedding day

And the song? It is here...

Here is a poem about true love...

Pablo Neruda

I don't love you as if you were the salt-rose, topaz
or arrow of carnations that propagate fire:
I love you as certain dark things are loved,
secretly, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that doesn't bloom and carries
hidden within itself the light of those flowers,
and thanks to your love, darkly in my body
lives the dense fragrance that rises from the earth.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where,
I love you simply, without problems or pride:
I love you in this way because I don't know any other way of loving

but this, in which there is no I or you,
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand,
so intimate that when I fall asleep it is your eyes that close.

The Mystery of Love

You know, sometimes life deals you a deck of cards that are so unexpected, so out of the ordinary, that it is truly hard to belive...

Like the famous phrase from the Forrest Gump movie; "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get." How true this can be...

As for me, i was sure that my life was over. Certainly my love life. Who will find a 51 year old man like me attractive, among the thousands and thousands to choose from?

Little did i know how wrong i was, and what a wonderful twist of fate destiny had laid out for me.. From "no-where" i found myself being with the most wonderful woman that a man can ever dream of... You, Montira! You came into my life, swift and gently, and you captured my heart like no other...

I will not even try to explain how much you mean to me, and how proud i am to be able to call you my best friend, partner and lover, all in the same person. You are surely my destiny in life, and i will love you forever. You make my life complete and you are a big inspiration for my princess Nora.

You are simply the queen of my dreams, and i must pinch my arm every day to find out if this is a dream or not... So far it is not - and i hope that this feeling will never stop...

I love you Montira...

that is what i wanted to say..

Yours
Torkel

If you love someone....

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were."

What is the best love song - ever?

So many songs are written about love- of being in love and falling out of love, but which one is the best?

Obviously each and every one of us has our own favorite... It may be linked to a person, a place - or a special memory - even a wish...

As for me - the choice is changing day by day, depending on mood and situation in life.

Right now i am happy - but this special person is far away... but the message in this song is universal, and this one is for you...

You will find the song here

A few words to Montira..

This is how you make me feel:

I love you without knowing how,
and when or from where

I love you straightforwardly -
without complexities
nor pride

I love you because
I know no other way than this

So close
that your hand on my chest
is my hand

So close
that when you close your eyes
I fall asleep

Torkel

The risk of love...

It only takes a second to say "I love you", but it will take a lifetime to show you how much....

To love is to risk not being loved in return.

To hope is to risk pain.

To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.

A couple of more...

Love is painful that is true
Not to love is painful too;
but there is a greater pain:
to love and not be loved again

Can you forgive me?

The Art of Healing Forgiveness in Relationships
by Bede Nicholson

Forgiveness is the mental and/or spiritual process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignationor angeragainst another person for a perceived offense, difference or mistake, or ceasing to demand punishment or restitution (from Wikipedia)

Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." When it comes to relationships, forgiveness is often easier said than done. In theory, we all like the idea that we can accept and love our partner for all their faults and failures, but when we are hurt by someone we love, it is very hard to let go of the emotional pain and memories that surround this.

When our partner has done something wrong, like have an affair or say something hurtful, there can be a real sense of emotional gratification we can gain from emotionally punishing them. They have ‘done us wrong’ and forgiveness can feel like we are some how accepting or condoning that behavior. Alternatively, forgiveness can be used as a means to try and somehow bury an issue under the guise of unconditional love. I cant keep count of how many times a client will keep enduring the same destructive behavior, telling  me, “I know he treats me bad, but I forgive him because I love him.”

In truth, forgiveness is not about agreeing or accepting destructive behaviors, neither is it a magic wand that simply heals all problems. Forgiveness is really about letting go of our destructive emotional responses to hurt. Resentment, judgment, indignation are all natural initial responses to being hurt by someone else. We aren’t saints who can just forgive at a moments notice. Forgiveness takes time. But when we hold onto our negative emotions, they become like a poison in the relationship, that keeps resurfacing whenever problems happen.

The affair
Let us take a client of mine. Sally has been in a relationship with Brett for 10 years. Brett had been having affairs on and off for the last 2 yrs. Sally knows this, but feels that she want to make the marriage work. She has 4 children and has a strong sense of family values. She knows she loves Brett, but he seems to be going through a very selfish phase. Brett isn’t serious about leaving the relationship, but his affairs are an outlet for escape and emotional gratification.

Each time Sally has found out about an affair, she has confronted Brett. He promised not do it again. Sally forgives him and then he does it again. Sally is now at a point where she is not sure whether she can make it work. Brett tells her that he feels trapped in the relationship and that Sally doesn’t really seem to care about him, but more about the kids. He wants affection but Sally seems unable to give it. Sally admits she is still very angry about his first affair but feels that Brett should be more understanding.

The above story is a classic example of how not to forgive. Sally has wanted the marriage to work so she has decided not to kick Brett out, but in reality she hadn’t really decided to forgive. As I did more readings with Sally I discovered that Sally had buried a huge amount of anger and resentment towards Brett. This anger started even before the affair, and related to Sally feeling that she had to always be the adult in the relationship and Brett behaved like a child. As Sally became increasingly dismissive towards him, Brett looked to another woman who would see him as more of a man. Both Brett and Sally didn’t have the skills to communicate how they really felt, and of course, the problem just kept getting worse.

How different this situation could have been if the simple healing art of forgiveness was fully understood. For Sally, forgiveness was really about putting up and shutting up, rather than about learning to heal the hurt she felt about Brett's lack of emotional responsibility. Brett never really forgave Sally for her coldness and inability to deal with the relationship.

So, how can you really forgive?
The first step is very simple - acknowledgment. Identify your real feelings and emotional response to hurt. Don’t rationalize it and try and judge your feelings. Do you feel venomous? Do you feel like hurting him back? Accept these feeling rather than try and bury them.

The second step is communication. If you try and bottle up your feeling they invariably end up coming out in some other way. If you are feeling hurt, angry or resentful your partner will most likely feel this anyway. The belief that you can hide your feelings is an illusion.

Step Three – Don’t wait for the other party to say they are sorry. Many people only feel they can forgive when the other person admits they are wrong. This often leads to an emotional stalemate in the relationship, where each party waits for the other person to admit their faults. Forgiveness is not conditional on the other person’s acceptance of their faults. That because forgiveness is about healing yourself. Forgiveness is the ultimate act of self-love. You may be also be surprised that once you truly forgive how this creates a space for the other person to accept responsibility. Anger and resentment create defensive blocks in the other person. When a person feels your forgiveness they are more prepared to open up about their feelings.

The art of healing forgiveness is really about understanding that forgiveness is not about absolving other people of their faults, but about you healing your own hurts and anger so you can begin to move forward in your life. Once fully realized, true forgiveness can be one of the most liberating experience of your relationship.

Learning to love your life

"Believe it or not, every day is a blank slate - a canvass upon which to draw your own picture.

Why then does it seem as though the day is already mapped out for you - demands, jobs, commitments, emotions and so on? The list of what fills your day can be endless. Or, on the other hand, your day can seem to be empty, devoid of real purpose or activity. Either way, the day seems to be created for you, not by you.

How do you create your own day again?
Things to take into consideration...

Your unique destiny:
Everyone single person has a reason for being, or else they simply wouldn't be here. You brought yourself into existence. Why?

This is a good question, and in fact you can spend a lifetime answering it, or at least, revising your answer. Even if you are not fully aware of your destiny, you can still link into some reason for being here now.

To change your life, you must take steps forward from where you are now. You can't simply work out a new life in your head and then jump into it. Everything in the universe requires a focused intention to come into being. So your new life too, will require some intelligent focus before it comes into being.

Instead of becoming disconnected in your thoughts, imagining where you should be / want to be / don't want to be ... focus on understanding why you are where you are. What does this step mean in the context of your entire journey? You cannot move into the next town without having traveled the road that leads to it.

Piecing the puzzle together
This is called ‘finding the pieces of the puzzle’. Understand how each part of your life is a piece and each piece fits together in a great picture - and that picture is your life story. The reason for using the puzzle analogy is that with a puzzle, it doesn't make any sense until you put all the pieces together. And sometimes life is like that - you don't understand the full picture until you have lived out a bit and gone through certain experiences. Sure, your intuition can support you in gaining a vision of what the final picture is, but unless you are a very open and flexible person, this vision can become just another expectation in your mind. Many people hold on to these expectations in their mind of where they are going or how their life is going to turn out. These expectations become burdens that they then carry into each new day. This is what stops most of us from painting on our empty canvas. Instead of looking out the window, eager for what we might see, we look out expecting to see the same scenery as yesterday. These expectations are what stops life from being fresh and new.

How to reclaim your happiness
True and lasting happiness only comes when you are flowing with life. People who can be happy in the face of adverse circumstances are a marvel to us all. We admire these people because we know that sometimes it is a challenge to be happy, even when you don't have any reason to complain. One of the most extraordinary recorded examples of the triumph of a positive attitude in the face of adversity is the example of Victor Frankl. Victor Frankl was imprisoned in a concentration camp in Nazi Germany, a horrific and traumatic experience, everyone will agree. However Victor took a different approach. Being scientific in mind, he observed that those prisoners who had something to live for, a meaning in their life, actually lived longer. Those who felt there was no meaning gave up and died. Victor found that it didn't matter what the meaning was: love, family, work, whatever floats your boat. It is unique and personal. Yet the common element was the sense of meaning in life.
The important message in this is clear: how you choose to look at your life has profound implications for personal happiness, regardless of your actual circumstances.

How can you connect with your destiny?
The meaning of your life does not come from achieving certain goals or having a great relationship. These things will come and go in life. Your personal destiny is a sense of why you are here and who you really are. When you are connected to this feeling, it is easy to direct your boat through the sometimes turbulent waters of life. You know which direction to take because you have a sense of what is important for you. This sense of destiny can help you to overcome great obstacles and do great things. Stop and think for a moment:

*       What is really important to you?
*       What is the gift that you bring into the world?
*       What are you most valued for with others?

Starting the day afresh.
Before you start each day, just stop. Take a few minutes to connect with your unfolding destiny. Remember, you may not know the whole story but you can see a sign that will take you to the next step.

No matter what you feel is going wrong in your life - relationship issues, emotional dissatisfaction, boredom, or whatever - take a minute to reconnect with what is most important in your life: YOU! So many times, we allow other people to become the important thing in our life: holding onto a relationship, striving to reach an achievement, searching for the missing half. All these things take you further and further away from your true happiness. Your happiness doesn't lie in achieving goals or having a perfect life. We see plenty of grumpy celebrities out there, despite having what seems to be a perfect body, a perfect relationship and lots of money. When you are connected to your true self - your unique inner strength and your purpose in life to share that gift with the world -your life transforms! People are drawn to you, good things happen spontaneously for you, and when they don't, you have the inner courage to overcome the difficulties with grace. It may sound like a dream, but it isn't. If Victor Frankl can do it whilst being tortured in a prison, we can do it in the comfort of our ordinary lives too!

Personal Portrait - Torkel Oftedal

Sun in Virgo, Moon in Cancer

This is a very harmonious relationship, because it combines practicality and common sense, with emotion and sensitivity. You are essentially hard-working and like to serve others.

Internally, you pay constant attention to detail, and this makes you a most careful worker. Because of the practicality of the sign of Virgo, sensible, necessary tasks are enjoyed and not avoided. Your desire for privacy leads to happiness at home or work, as long as you are not interrupted without notice.
You react to feelings rather than to reason, rationalizing this way of thinking as ideas instinctively obtained. You will be sympathetic and friendly but defensive toward people you like.

In love you are tender and emotional, easily offended and sad if rejected, but eager to respond to affection and return it.

Ascendant in Cancer, Moon in the Twelfth House

At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Cancer was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler the Moon is located in the twelfth house.

Cancer is the fourth sign of the zodiacal belt and its natives are under the rulership of the Moon. Your life will be full of changes and intermittent periods of activity and relaxation. Your vulnerability to external influences makes you subconsciously imitate the manners and ways of those with whom you relate.

In many instances, circumstances will require that you play the role of worldliness and sophistication but under the mask there will exist a very sensitive human being who is easily offended, and also very perceptive of the more subtle influences and impressions, as well as of psychic vibrations.

Cancer gives the tendency to completely retreat when hurt or frightened of a situation. This happens to you often because you tend to interfere in the affairs of others when you are not needed or wanted. Throughout your life, your responses will be emotional rather than rational.

Cancer also gives a tendency for life to be centered in the home and family; your attachment to your private and domestic habits is so strong that without them you could hardly endure. In love matters, you are emotional and gentle.

For the difficult aspects we must warn you against becoming overly preoccupied with trivial details of a psychological nature. Another tendency that you have is to flatter and to criticize carelessly, without regard for the other person's feelings.
Destiny may place you in environments where your natural traits can be best expressed. You will be happier when allowed to be occupied with searching for a person or a thing, though not necessarily in important work.

Your life possesses an aura of peculiar activities and studies realized in out-of-the-way places.

You will either live secretively or possess important secrets of another person. Your mind is greatly influenced by the sea of subconsciousness and there is an inborn love for occultism, mystery, and romantic adventures. On the other side, this position may give you a certain lack of stability and firmness in dealing with others.

Venus in the Third House

Venus was in the third house of your horoscope at the time of birth. You are keenly interested in the creative arts, and your thoughts and words are surrounded by a halo of beauty, taste, and proportion. Your mind actually feels the emotions connected with nature and the higher aspects of things human. Venus here augurs pleasant and kind relations with members of your family; the disposition of your intellect is congenial, youthful, and attractive.

The keys to a better integration of both your mental and emotional functions consist of deepening your personal relationships and of turning the mind inward so that you may be able to know the world better by means of true self-knowledge.

Sun in the Fourth House

The Sun appears in the fourth house at the time of your birth. This is an indication that parental name, family affairs and other domestic matters are of the utmost importance in your life.

Sun brings honor, pride, and fame to anything under its influence, and it is indicated that the problem of these influences here is that proper success for you cannot materialize until you are well past your mature years. There appears to exist a very strong attachment to one of your parents.

You believe in being the "ruler" in your home, and the sense of privacy is extensively developed in your nature.

As life passes you will experience illuminating insights connecting your individuality with certain racial and family elements. Study them. You will then perhaps discover the nature of the spiritual mission which destiny requires of you.

Saturn in the Sixth House

Saturn was found in your sixth house at the time of birth. This is a very faithful position. It indicates that your destiny will be fulfilled by overcoming obstacles in achieving success in your work.

In general, your work orientation and general health may be difficult at times, but you have enough willpower and stamina to make the best of them. Even if you find problems in working and you may also be distressed by your relationships with subordinates or fellow employees, you can prove your reliability by doing your duty and taking responsibility for the general work process. Most of the more unfortunate circumstances should be regarded as tests of your character and viewed in this manner, you may obtain much enrichment in your psychic life from this knowledge and experience of pain.

Moon in the Twelfth House

The Moon was in your twelfth house at the time of birth. Secretly, you enjoy a love of romance and adventure that lends a bit of excitement to your daydreaming.
It is possible that the little popularity that you may enjoy in this life will be from some very reserved and secretive circles where your merits are recognized.

It can be expected that you will be successful in positions that call for solitude or remote locations.

Personal Portrait er laget ut fra min fødesdato, tid og sted... Fra www.astro.com

Have the best Christmas ever! (and how to avoid horrendous dramas)

Even for those of us who aren't Christian, Christmas has become a time of excitement, good cheer and giving. It is that special time of the year, when everyone gets a chance to give and receive. Relationships are important, friends are important, children are important, but most of all, family is important. So what could possibly go wrong at such an auspicious occasion? As you may well know: everything!

Christmas brings out the child in each of us, for good or for ill. Add to this, much wine and a hangover from the office party and you have a recipe for disaster. So how can you avoid the Christmas pitfalls and have the best Christmas ever?

Clear out the Ghost of Christmas Past
When you have an event that repeats itself annually: New Year, your birthday, anniversary etc, this particular day develops its own history for you. Christmas in particular is important because it is an emotionally charged event that involves almost everyone. Its history begins at a young and tender age when you wait for Santa to come down the chimney, and continues annually to the present day when you are looking forward to an all night party with friends. Each year the memories collect and build. The strange (and unfortunate) thing about our memory is that many people seem to have a bias for remembering the traumatic and negative things that have happened to them. These hidden memories from the past are buried deep in the back of your mind. And then they become the basis of vague moods and non-specific fears or obsessions that lurk around in future Christmases. These are the ghosts of Christmas past. There are no prizes for guessing what happens when you harbour negative fears or hang-ups – yes, they have a magical way of reappearing in the future. So how can you stop your Christmas ghosts from haunting your house on December 25th?

Try this little exercise:
Close your eyes and count backwards from 10 to 1. As you do, imagine yourself walking down some stairs. As you walk down the stairs you are going backwards in time. When you reach number 1 you are a young child standing in front of a doorway. Behind the doorway are the ghosts of your Christmases memories - all the experiences that you are ready to let go of. Open the door and look into the past. You could see things, events, words, people, disappointments, anything or nothing. Blow into the room. As you blow, imagine a huge gust of wind coming from your mouth that blows these negative fears away. Watch them dissolve.

At this Christmas 2006, if you start to feel the familiar footsteps of those old ghosts, remember that you blew them away, and they are now gone. Take time out to quietly relax in your own mind. Even though your ghosts are laid to rest, some of your Christmas guests may not have disposed of theirs! Let these experiences wash over you and dissolve into thin air. You don't need to get involved in it - it is not your skeleton. Your closet it clean! Let others play out their own dramas and you can be an island of peace. What you will find is that your peaceful energy will draw others into a new vibration. Who wants to be battered by a hurricane of chaos when you can be sitting on an island paradise?

Free yourself from Great Expectations
The opposite to negative expectations for Christmas, is the great expectations we can harbor. This is especially a killer for romantic relationships. When you want the love of your life to fit in with your family and it doesn't happen, it can totally destroy your Christmas happiness. Or, you might be waiting for that special acknowledgement from someone and it doesn't come. Or if it does, it doesn't happen the way you want it to happen. Suddenly you are heading for a fight to the scale of relationship break-up. What is meant to be a time for singing and dancing can become a time of swearing and hurling insults that you probably don't really mean. Christmas, being such an emotionally charged time for everyone, can turn a small molehill into a major mountain. The key is to not fall into the trap of incomplete logic. For example: he didn't introduce me to his kids therefore he doesn't love me.

For some reason, Christmas makes our interpretation of events far more emotional and distorted than usual. If there is a time when we are more likely to go off the deep end, it is Christmas. To avoid these potholes of logic you need to focus on the underlying real bonds. Even if your mum is acting really weird or your partner has become a cold fish, accept that they still love you. Maybe they are just dealing with their own ghosts or trying to come to grips with their great (and often, dashed) expectations. If the deep connection was there in the first place, one Christmas brawl is not going to destroy it, any more than a rain shower can destroy a field of flowers. In the end, whatever traumas occur, if the love is there, the bond will only strengthen and grow from the challenge.

Real bonding
Christmas is a time for real bonds to occur. This is why there is a tradition of giving and receiving gifts.  This is that special time of the year for spontaneous good deeds and connecting with your community. The key to these lovely Christmassy experiences is that people go beyond their small ego and connect with one another heart to heart. This is what we are all looking for at Christmas - a real feeling of bonding. Keep your eyes peeled for all the ways that people might be trying to reach out to you. Sometimes it can be the smallest thing that happens that can make your Christmas great. Even a little bird landing on your window can bring unexpected joy and a sense of wonder to you if you are open to it. When you have an open heart, it does not take much to make you happy and joyful.

To connect with someone else's heart the first step is to find a way to connect with your own heart. Then you are ready to share with others. To discover your own unique way of sharing for this Christmas try this short exercise. Close your eyes and let the first thing that comes to you be the way: a card, a smile, a great meal. You can be as creative and original as you dare!

Some simple Conflict Avoiding Rules

Rule Number 1 - Time out:
Take time out if things seem to be flaring up either within you or around you. Remember - you don't have to stand in the middle of the flames and continue to be burnt. Step aside and let things quieten down.

Rule Number 2 - Warming signs:
Read the signs. If you have a fairly good idea that your partner needs 5 rum and cokes to become a wisecracking insult machine, then watch out for the signs. Being aware of signs early can nip things in the bud. If you can't nip things in the bud then refer to rule number one!

Rule Number 3 - Accept conflict:
The reality is that when you stick a whole group of people and / or children together (particularly those who have a history with one another) there is a good chance there will be a bust up or two. So accept this and don't let it ruin your day. You don't have to stress yourself out being the peacemaker between warring sides. Simply let it happen and have a good sense of humour about issues if they do flare up. There is nothing more healing than being able to look at a situation and laugh. Or at least get on with the party when the tiff is over. The most important thing is to keep conflict in its place - which is bottom of the priority list on your best Christmas ever.

Rule Number 4: Enjoy yourself.
(No instruction required!)

Forgiveness works! It is often difficult, AND it works!

If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa

We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged you. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to you) and expecting THEM to die!

Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." Believe it!
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it! All is forgiven.

Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.

Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because forgiveness is an internal matter.

Choice is always present in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.

There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!

Techniques for improving your intuition

1. Relaxation...
You can learn how to relax and follow the feeling that goes with the intuition. This is the fundamental practice in any psychic or intuitive work. As you practice relaxing more and more when an intuition comes to you, you will discover that you can hold onto the feeling of it for longer and longer periods. This gives you more time to explore the intuition before it starts to fade away back down into your subconscious mind.

2. Expand your senses...
You can also learn which of the senses you seem to favour in how your body responds or reacts. Intuition relies on your senses to give you the message that something is happening and you need to take notice. Although intuition development teaches you how to understand all your senses, you'll find that you favour one of your senses in the way that your intuitions communicate their messages to you. With practice, you might discover that your sense of seeing within, or clairvoyance, is the way your intuition communicates most strongly to you. Of course, you'll need to study your other intuitive senses, such as clairaudience and clairsentience, in order to discover which sensory pathway is the way you favour.

3. Journaling
You can write about your intuitions, as a way of getting them out into the open. Writing in a workbook or special intuition journal is a very effective means of exploring your intuitions. I recommend that you write what comes to you at the end of track three in particular. Intuitions often come to you in a special context that will not be quite the same again, so it is best to capture them at the time they happen.

4. Intuition in Action
You might be talking to a work colleague and something flashes before your eyes. Instead of leaving it until later to make sense of, pause for a moment, take the feeling within you and relax into it. Even if the understanding doesn't come right then, you are practising giving the intuition the focus it is looking for from you. That is where the relaxation on track two is an effective way to go deeper into your subconscious mind.

How can you trust your feelings?

How do we know if what we feel for someone is real and how can we know if it will be lasting? In the world of relationships, “feelings”, for want of a better word, are the currency that makes things move up and down, backwards and forwards, inside and out. When we have feelings for someone, we can be overcome with joy, inspiration and excitement as we experience the full force of our feelings of love and attraction.

Yet, before we know it, we can start feeling anxiety and insecurities if these feelings somehow don’t match with the reality we afford them. So what does this mean? Does it mean that our feelings have tricked us? Have we done something to warrant another change of feeling? If feelings can switch so quickly, how can we ever trust how we feel?

These are questions to which there are no “easy” answers. But there are ways we can experience our feelings, which will mean there is less room for huge drops and losses. At the same time, we may need to be willing to forgo the huge dizzy heights that make those rock bottom experiences even more pronounced.

Dealing with Expectations
One of the biggest issues when it comes to having deep feelings for another person is the expectation that arises within these feelings. Obviously when we love someone deeply, and they appear to share this same love and affection, the feelings tend to enhance each other. Yet within this very sensitive state, we can become acutely aware of all the subtle nuances of that person’s feelings. So the moment there is a slight deviation from the good feelings we want, we sense this and often what we sense is magnified out of proportion.

An all to familiar spiral of emotional events can then take place: They pull back - we move forward; they become more distant - we become more anxious; until eventually, all those great feelings that once moved so freely have now been replaced by their coldness and distance and your fear and anxiety.

In the mourning and licking of wounds period afterwards, we can then start to ask ourselves these very basic question: How could something that felt so right and so mutual suddenly disappear in a spiral of fear. Were my feelings all wrong and misplaced? How can someone go from being in love with me to suddenly not seeming to care any more. The answers to these questions come down to the nature of life and the nature of feelings. It’s normal and natural to want to hold on to something that makes us feel good inside. But that desire doesn’t reconcile with the fact that in life, everything changes. We didn’t know this person, we met them, we fell in love. The change from not knowing to knowing them is a change we are happy to accept and embrace. The change then of them leaving our life is still part of the moving and changing flow of life but because it doesn’t favour us, we suddenly stop embracing and starting retreating.

So the first thing to help you in understanding your feelings and how they work is to accept, as simple as it sounds, that everything in life changes. Sometimes it works for us and sometimes it doesn’t. The more we accept this and try to work with this flow of change, rather then resist it, the happier we’ll be and the less energy we will have wasted.

Life doesn't always fit into a box
This same understanding links into a deeper fact that sometimes what we think is right for us, sometimes simply isn’t. Life does work in mysterious ways, and often our minds try to control life to fit into a box that suits us. Relationships are a particular aspect where this occurs frequently.

The fact is that sometimes you have to accept that you don’t know or have the answers.

What you can know is that you gave to someone wholeheartedly, that you loved someone with warmth and sincerity. What happens after that we don’t often have much control over. As you embrace this and trust that all you can do in life and relationships is give your whole self to who ever and what ever you do, then these questions to varying degrees will become irrelevant, as you move into a universe that’s not geared to getting what you want, but a universe that supports what you give. In the end, when it comes to the currency of feelings, you will no doubt end up a rich person.

Finding your soulmate, finding yourself.

The concept of the 'soul mate' means finding somebody who 'completes' you, like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together or a lock and key that opens the door to a new world. In a way this is true - there are relationships that push you through personal growth and transformation. Once you have walked this path, everything is different - you have changed and the world has changed for you. These relationships can be like catalysts - whizzing into your life and turning everything upside down. But what happens next? Do these life-changing people have to disappear out of your life?

Why do we crave the other half?
What is it we find in this other person that makes it so hard to exist without them? Just like Romeo and Juliette, we cast ourselves as one half of a whole that can't function independently. After entering into such a deep affair, being left can make you feel suicidal, despairing and deeply depressed. Going back to a 'normal' life seems like going back to watching black and white television instead of plasma colour. It is unappealing to say the least. However, we all know in the end 'time heals’ and life goes back to normal. You wonder how you will live without the intensity of your lover, but of course, you do.

This is the most frightening thing of all: should you even give it a chance. Usually after such an experience of being in love, the answer is NO. Or even if you want to, there are many walls and fortresses around you. It is never the same the second time around. We become frightened and resistant to the experience we no longer trust. If you do happen to fall - all you want is reassurance: Will it be worth it in the end? Will we end up together? Will it last? The need to hold on to this love object can become almost obsessional. The thought that they may sail out of your life, never to be seen again, is terrifying. You imagine going through the rest of your life with unresolved feelings. Somehow, the plan is that if you can get through the challenges, fears, difficulties, break-ups and make-ups, you will then be able to establish a solid ground upon which to build a future. It seems like a pipe dream, but in a way it is the only dream you have. Cutting off the feelings is akin to cutting off one of your limbs - purposeless and unbearably painful.

What is this psychological process so powerful that can grip our hearts?
You may think you can release yourself simply through struggle or persisting in your efforts to bring the relationship together - but you will only sink further into the quicksand you are standing in. There is a way - but it is not an easy path. It requires you to let go, to be honest with yourself, to have the courage to open your heart and strength to rise above the games and petty power struggles. Many books have been written: ‘He's just not that into you’, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, and the advice within these books will just crumble in the face of the intensity of feelings you experience in this sort of bond. Pop psychology has its place and can at times be very empowering to help you to shift your perspective on things. However deep emotional changes require a deeper level of insight.

What Jung says about projection?
Psychologist Carl Jung reveals a hidden psychological process, which he calls 'projection'. This process can explain a lot of behaviour and psychological distress. Essentially, Jung felt that we all project aspects of ourselves out there into the world, into other people, and then struggle to unite with these missing parts.
Jung argues that we project the qualities that we ourselves possess out there into someone or something else. He names two major projections that people possess: the Anima and the Animus. The Anima is a man's projection of 'woman' and the Animus is the woman's projection of 'man'. So where do these projections comes from? Well, the anima and animus, for example, develop during childhood. As you grow up as a little boy or little girl, you develop your gender identity as male or female. In order to be female, you must block off the male aspects / qualities that you possess and identify more strongly with the female qualities, and vice versa for the male. This process of denying, suppressing and controlling these other unexpressed feelings, qualities and parts of the self, lead you to feel incomplete, empty and unfulfilled. In effect, you are not truly being your whole self.
Jung believed that this leads people to see in an 'other' what is denied, repressed and controlled within themselves. So you search for your missing self in the other.

Do soul mates really exist?
I am not saying that a soul mate is simply a projection of a part of you into someone else. I think this explanation misses a very essential and important aspect to our existence: Our Oneness.

The Oneness is a strange concept in our modern individualistic world view. Yet the idea of the oneness of all things exists in all major spiritual and religious traditions. In the Oneness, we do share qualities. We are everything but we also share everything. So it is true that I may be a woman and you may be a man. I am not stuck in this identity and neither are you - because in the Oneness we are everything - but at the same time we’re not only One. Jung suggests that the psychological is all there is. Everything is within and there is nothing without. I agree that everything is within, but also there is a sharing with the universe too. It is this state of open sharing that we are trying to return to.

Obsession, attachment, possession, loss, abandonment - all these feelings are related to a sense of separation from the whole. I see the process of healing as two fold:

1. To connect with the universe through relationship with yourself
2. To share with the universe through relationship with others

Effectively this means releasing attachments, identifying areas of suppression, control, and knowing your projections so you can then create a clear pathway of interaction with an 'other'. In a word: it means self-knowledge. You can't know if you are connecting with a real feeling for someone else until you know yourself. Then when you form relationships, they are based on real creativity and appreciation of another person rather than being drawn to them because they are a reflection of your 'lost' self.

Ultimately, this is the goal of all relationships - to join together in a way that honours both people and in a way which is creative and harmonious. Once you feel that sense of connectedness, you can embrace love, be in harmony with your lover, and see the big picture of your destiny once more. But in order to reach this 'light' you must enter into the tunnel and discover its depths and follow its twists and turns. This is not a journey to take lightly, but one we are all destined to make at one point or another - because the pull of love is simply too strong.

Jealousy - Are you turning into the green eyed monster?

When you are feeling jealous, there are usually two questions you have: is your partner really cheating on you or is it all just in your mind?

This is a major dilemma. It can make you doubt yourself and your intuition about what is going on. Is it an intuition or is it just a fear? Is s/he or isn't s/he? Sometimes you can have suspicions or know something is going to happen long before anything actually occurs. At other times you can be reading far too much into little gestures and situations. How can you find the truth?

Obsessive attempts to uncover the truth can cause you to lose your confidence. As feelings of jealousy escalate, they can lead you to do things, that in ordinary circumstances, you simply wouldn't do. You might search through email accounts, phone messages, check the distances travelled on the mileage clock of your partner’s car, credit card receipts and the like. And all in a desperate attempt to uncover the truth. You can become like a mad person on a witch hunt, determined to prove that you are correct. This will just increase the doubts, because no matter how much proof you think you have, beyond seeing it with your own eyes or a confession from your partner - you are never going to be totally sure if s/he is or s/he isn't.

Is she or isn't she?
The second side-effect of the ‘is s/he or isn’t s/he?’ duality is that it usually stamps out real attempts to communicate with your partner. When you are jealous, feelings of distrust, anger and fear block honest communication. If indeed your partner is having an affair, or fancies someone else, they are unlikely to share it in this environment. Conversely, if they are innocent, you will be unlikely to believe their protestations.

What is the way forward when you’re in the grip of romantic jealousy?
The real issue of jealousy is much deeper than this duality: is s/he or isn't s/he. Jealousy is a reaction to a real or perceived threat. Whether or not the threat is real, jealousy is not the best reaction. It is part of our human conditioning - so most of us will experience jealousy at one point in our lives. Some people experience jealous reactions so deeply they feel driven to commit crimes. Other people may only feel a twinge of jealousy. Wherever your experiences are along the continuum of jealousy, you face the same challenge: discovering a more harmonious reaction.

Resolve your inner fear.
A lot of jealous feelings are rooted in fear of the future. Paradoxically, fears of the future come from the past! Your previous experiences leave expectations and memories in your body that will be triggered when you face a similar emotional situation. Sometimes your fear can feel like your friend, protecting you from pain and humiliation - but be clear - fear is never your friend. Fear is a limited response based on mistrusting the universe and ultimately mistrusting your own soul. Old fears hang around and limit your potential and keep you focused on the old mistakes. When you let go of fear your senses become alert, your intuition is sharpened and you move into new territory in your life, effectively moving away from the pain of the past.

What to watch for?
Have you been cheated on or betrayed before?
These old ghosts may be distorting your perspective and making you read into things. If you have been duped before, you could be on the alert of being betrayed again. It is important to make sure your new partner is not paying for the crimes of your past lovers!

Did you have a childhood that featured abandonment?
If you do not have a strong sense of security from your early childhood, this can make you hyper-sensitive to threats in the future. You could be more likely than others to believe and expect the worst. This does not necessarily have to be the case. You could have issues in your childhood that are fully resolved now and you have grown from them - however if you have not examined some of your past then these expectations could be distorting your view now.

Connect through communication.
As I mentioned earlier, the only way to resolve your suspicions is to talk openly with your partner. If you are experiencing jealousy, sometimes you could be right - there may be something going on. But often you will find you are picking up that something is wrong in general. There is no point in trying to suppress these warning signs. The challenge is not to respond with fear but to respond with curiosity, to find out how your partner really feels. This will immediately open the doors of communication, because you are putting the emphasis in the right place: what is the underlying feeling or issue. It will also create room for your partner to be open with you.

The advantage of putting the focus on what they are feeling about the relationship and themselves, rather than focusing on all the evidence you have uncovered, is that it will give you the potential to heal your relationship. Of course there is the possibility your partner will not share and open up. Then you will have to consider where the relationship is going because without openness and talking the relationship will falter and die.

Are you in denial?
If you are frightened of finding out how your partner is feeling you could be even blocking their attempts to communicate their issues. This can result in a situation when they are saying things to you and you are making excuses for them in your mind rather than hearing what they are saying. If you find yourself having conversations with yourself in your head about your partner and what their reasons may be, it is important to recognize that this is denying them the opportunity to open up to you and share what is really going on.

Can you listen?
Listening is not the same as healing - any good counsellor will tell you that. It is important that when you communicate with your partner you make a decision to actually listen. If you think you already know what is happening, there is a danger you will jump in with your beliefs and assessments without actually listening to what they are saying.

Are you asking the right questions?
Remember what you are fighting for: a good, healthy and honourable relationship. Stick to the fundamentals. Getting sidetracked into a slinging match will only drag your self-esteem down even further. Be careful to find out how your partner actually feels about the relationship. What the issues might be. If he/she is having doubts and then if it is heading that way: ask the million dollar question clearly and directly: are you seeing someone else. Or do you want to.

Be confident in your destiny
Whatever the outcome - this is your life and your destiny. If you are meant to be with your partner then this will unfold. You will work through the problems and be closer as a result of it.

If you are lead down another path - trust yourself, trust your destiny. You have other greater things awaiting you and you are being guided to take this new path.

by Michelle Walter