Sun in Virgo, Moon in Cancer
This is a very harmonious relationship, because it combines practicality and common sense, with emotion and sensitivity. You are essentially hard-working and like to serve others.
Internally, you pay constant attention to detail, and this makes you a most careful worker. Because of the practicality of the sign of Virgo, sensible, necessary tasks are enjoyed and not avoided. Your desire for privacy leads to happiness at home or work, as long as you are not interrupted without notice.
You react to feelings rather than to reason, rationalizing this way of thinking as ideas instinctively obtained. You will be sympathetic and friendly but defensive toward people you like.
In love you are tender and emotional, easily offended and sad if rejected, but eager to respond to affection and return it.
Ascendant in Cancer, Moon in the Twelfth House
At the time of your birth the zodiacal sign of Cancer was ascending in the horizon. Its ruler the Moon is located in the twelfth house.
Cancer is the fourth sign of the zodiacal belt and its natives are under the rulership of the Moon. Your life will be full of changes and intermittent periods of activity and relaxation. Your vulnerability to external influences makes you subconsciously imitate the manners and ways of those with whom you relate.
In many instances, circumstances will require that you play the role of worldliness and sophistication but under the mask there will exist a very sensitive human being who is easily offended, and also very perceptive of the more subtle influences and impressions, as well as of psychic vibrations.
Cancer gives the tendency to completely retreat when hurt or frightened of a situation. This happens to you often because you tend to interfere in the affairs of others when you are not needed or wanted. Throughout your life, your responses will be emotional rather than rational.
Cancer also gives a tendency for life to be centered in the home and family; your attachment to your private and domestic habits is so strong that without them you could hardly endure. In love matters, you are emotional and gentle.
For the difficult aspects we must warn you against becoming overly preoccupied with trivial details of a psychological nature. Another tendency that you have is to flatter and to criticize carelessly, without regard for the other person's feelings.
Destiny may place you in environments where your natural traits can be best expressed. You will be happier when allowed to be occupied with searching for a person or a thing, though not necessarily in important work.
Your life possesses an aura of peculiar activities and studies realized in out-of-the-way places.
You will either live secretively or possess important secrets of another person. Your mind is greatly influenced by the sea of subconsciousness and there is an inborn love for occultism, mystery, and romantic adventures. On the other side, this position may give you a certain lack of stability and firmness in dealing with others.
Venus in the Third House
Venus was in the third house of your horoscope at the time of birth. You are keenly interested in the creative arts, and your thoughts and words are surrounded by a halo of beauty, taste, and proportion. Your mind actually feels the emotions connected with nature and the higher aspects of things human. Venus here augurs pleasant and kind relations with members of your family; the disposition of your intellect is congenial, youthful, and attractive.
The keys to a better integration of both your mental and emotional functions consist of deepening your personal relationships and of turning the mind inward so that you may be able to know the world better by means of true self-knowledge.
Sun in the Fourth House
The Sun appears in the fourth house at the time of your birth. This is an indication that parental name, family affairs and other domestic matters are of the utmost importance in your life.
Sun brings honor, pride, and fame to anything under its influence, and it is indicated that the problem of these influences here is that proper success for you cannot materialize until you are well past your mature years. There appears to exist a very strong attachment to one of your parents.
You believe in being the "ruler" in your home, and the sense of privacy is extensively developed in your nature.
As life passes you will experience illuminating insights connecting your individuality with certain racial and family elements. Study them. You will then perhaps discover the nature of the spiritual mission which destiny requires of you.
Saturn in the Sixth House
Saturn was found in your sixth house at the time of birth. This is a very faithful position. It indicates that your destiny will be fulfilled by overcoming obstacles in achieving success in your work.
In general, your work orientation and general health may be difficult at times, but you have enough willpower and stamina to make the best of them. Even if you find problems in working and you may also be distressed by your relationships with subordinates or fellow employees, you can prove your reliability by doing your duty and taking responsibility for the general work process. Most of the more unfortunate circumstances should be regarded as tests of your character and viewed in this manner, you may obtain much enrichment in your psychic life from this knowledge and experience of pain.
Moon in the Twelfth House
The Moon was in your twelfth house at the time of birth. Secretly, you enjoy a love of romance and adventure that lends a bit of excitement to your daydreaming.
It is possible that the little popularity that you may enjoy in this life will be from some very reserved and secretive circles where your merits are recognized.
It can be expected that you will be successful in positions that call for solitude or remote locations.
Personal Portrait er laget ut fra min fødesdato, tid og sted... Fra www.astro.com
mandag 31. desember 2007
søndag 23. desember 2007
Have the best Christmas ever! (and how to avoid horrendous dramas)
Even for those of us who aren't Christian, Christmas has become a time of excitement, good cheer and giving. It is that special time of the year, when everyone gets a chance to give and receive. Relationships are important, friends are important, children are important, but most of all, family is important. So what could possibly go wrong at such an auspicious occasion? As you may well know: everything!
Christmas brings out the child in each of us, for good or for ill. Add to this, much wine and a hangover from the office party and you have a recipe for disaster. So how can you avoid the Christmas pitfalls and have the best Christmas ever?
Clear out the Ghost of Christmas Past
When you have an event that repeats itself annually: New Year, your birthday, anniversary etc, this particular day develops its own history for you. Christmas in particular is important because it is an emotionally charged event that involves almost everyone. Its history begins at a young and tender age when you wait for Santa to come down the chimney, and continues annually to the present day when you are looking forward to an all night party with friends. Each year the memories collect and build. The strange (and unfortunate) thing about our memory is that many people seem to have a bias for remembering the traumatic and negative things that have happened to them. These hidden memories from the past are buried deep in the back of your mind. And then they become the basis of vague moods and non-specific fears or obsessions that lurk around in future Christmases. These are the ghosts of Christmas past. There are no prizes for guessing what happens when you harbour negative fears or hang-ups – yes, they have a magical way of reappearing in the future. So how can you stop your Christmas ghosts from haunting your house on December 25th?
Try this little exercise:
Close your eyes and count backwards from 10 to 1. As you do, imagine yourself walking down some stairs. As you walk down the stairs you are going backwards in time. When you reach number 1 you are a young child standing in front of a doorway. Behind the doorway are the ghosts of your Christmases memories - all the experiences that you are ready to let go of. Open the door and look into the past. You could see things, events, words, people, disappointments, anything or nothing. Blow into the room. As you blow, imagine a huge gust of wind coming from your mouth that blows these negative fears away. Watch them dissolve.
At this Christmas 2006, if you start to feel the familiar footsteps of those old ghosts, remember that you blew them away, and they are now gone. Take time out to quietly relax in your own mind. Even though your ghosts are laid to rest, some of your Christmas guests may not have disposed of theirs! Let these experiences wash over you and dissolve into thin air. You don't need to get involved in it - it is not your skeleton. Your closet it clean! Let others play out their own dramas and you can be an island of peace. What you will find is that your peaceful energy will draw others into a new vibration. Who wants to be battered by a hurricane of chaos when you can be sitting on an island paradise?
Free yourself from Great Expectations
The opposite to negative expectations for Christmas, is the great expectations we can harbor. This is especially a killer for romantic relationships. When you want the love of your life to fit in with your family and it doesn't happen, it can totally destroy your Christmas happiness. Or, you might be waiting for that special acknowledgement from someone and it doesn't come. Or if it does, it doesn't happen the way you want it to happen. Suddenly you are heading for a fight to the scale of relationship break-up. What is meant to be a time for singing and dancing can become a time of swearing and hurling insults that you probably don't really mean. Christmas, being such an emotionally charged time for everyone, can turn a small molehill into a major mountain. The key is to not fall into the trap of incomplete logic. For example: he didn't introduce me to his kids therefore he doesn't love me.
For some reason, Christmas makes our interpretation of events far more emotional and distorted than usual. If there is a time when we are more likely to go off the deep end, it is Christmas. To avoid these potholes of logic you need to focus on the underlying real bonds. Even if your mum is acting really weird or your partner has become a cold fish, accept that they still love you. Maybe they are just dealing with their own ghosts or trying to come to grips with their great (and often, dashed) expectations. If the deep connection was there in the first place, one Christmas brawl is not going to destroy it, any more than a rain shower can destroy a field of flowers. In the end, whatever traumas occur, if the love is there, the bond will only strengthen and grow from the challenge.
Real bonding
Christmas is a time for real bonds to occur. This is why there is a tradition of giving and receiving gifts. This is that special time of the year for spontaneous good deeds and connecting with your community. The key to these lovely Christmassy experiences is that people go beyond their small ego and connect with one another heart to heart. This is what we are all looking for at Christmas - a real feeling of bonding. Keep your eyes peeled for all the ways that people might be trying to reach out to you. Sometimes it can be the smallest thing that happens that can make your Christmas great. Even a little bird landing on your window can bring unexpected joy and a sense of wonder to you if you are open to it. When you have an open heart, it does not take much to make you happy and joyful.
To connect with someone else's heart the first step is to find a way to connect with your own heart. Then you are ready to share with others. To discover your own unique way of sharing for this Christmas try this short exercise. Close your eyes and let the first thing that comes to you be the way: a card, a smile, a great meal. You can be as creative and original as you dare!
Some simple Conflict Avoiding Rules
Rule Number 1 - Time out:
Take time out if things seem to be flaring up either within you or around you. Remember - you don't have to stand in the middle of the flames and continue to be burnt. Step aside and let things quieten down.
Rule Number 2 - Warming signs:
Read the signs. If you have a fairly good idea that your partner needs 5 rum and cokes to become a wisecracking insult machine, then watch out for the signs. Being aware of signs early can nip things in the bud. If you can't nip things in the bud then refer to rule number one!
Rule Number 3 - Accept conflict:
The reality is that when you stick a whole group of people and / or children together (particularly those who have a history with one another) there is a good chance there will be a bust up or two. So accept this and don't let it ruin your day. You don't have to stress yourself out being the peacemaker between warring sides. Simply let it happen and have a good sense of humour about issues if they do flare up. There is nothing more healing than being able to look at a situation and laugh. Or at least get on with the party when the tiff is over. The most important thing is to keep conflict in its place - which is bottom of the priority list on your best Christmas ever.
Rule Number 4: Enjoy yourself.
(No instruction required!)
Christmas brings out the child in each of us, for good or for ill. Add to this, much wine and a hangover from the office party and you have a recipe for disaster. So how can you avoid the Christmas pitfalls and have the best Christmas ever?
Clear out the Ghost of Christmas Past
When you have an event that repeats itself annually: New Year, your birthday, anniversary etc, this particular day develops its own history for you. Christmas in particular is important because it is an emotionally charged event that involves almost everyone. Its history begins at a young and tender age when you wait for Santa to come down the chimney, and continues annually to the present day when you are looking forward to an all night party with friends. Each year the memories collect and build. The strange (and unfortunate) thing about our memory is that many people seem to have a bias for remembering the traumatic and negative things that have happened to them. These hidden memories from the past are buried deep in the back of your mind. And then they become the basis of vague moods and non-specific fears or obsessions that lurk around in future Christmases. These are the ghosts of Christmas past. There are no prizes for guessing what happens when you harbour negative fears or hang-ups – yes, they have a magical way of reappearing in the future. So how can you stop your Christmas ghosts from haunting your house on December 25th?
Try this little exercise:
Close your eyes and count backwards from 10 to 1. As you do, imagine yourself walking down some stairs. As you walk down the stairs you are going backwards in time. When you reach number 1 you are a young child standing in front of a doorway. Behind the doorway are the ghosts of your Christmases memories - all the experiences that you are ready to let go of. Open the door and look into the past. You could see things, events, words, people, disappointments, anything or nothing. Blow into the room. As you blow, imagine a huge gust of wind coming from your mouth that blows these negative fears away. Watch them dissolve.
At this Christmas 2006, if you start to feel the familiar footsteps of those old ghosts, remember that you blew them away, and they are now gone. Take time out to quietly relax in your own mind. Even though your ghosts are laid to rest, some of your Christmas guests may not have disposed of theirs! Let these experiences wash over you and dissolve into thin air. You don't need to get involved in it - it is not your skeleton. Your closet it clean! Let others play out their own dramas and you can be an island of peace. What you will find is that your peaceful energy will draw others into a new vibration. Who wants to be battered by a hurricane of chaos when you can be sitting on an island paradise?
Free yourself from Great Expectations
The opposite to negative expectations for Christmas, is the great expectations we can harbor. This is especially a killer for romantic relationships. When you want the love of your life to fit in with your family and it doesn't happen, it can totally destroy your Christmas happiness. Or, you might be waiting for that special acknowledgement from someone and it doesn't come. Or if it does, it doesn't happen the way you want it to happen. Suddenly you are heading for a fight to the scale of relationship break-up. What is meant to be a time for singing and dancing can become a time of swearing and hurling insults that you probably don't really mean. Christmas, being such an emotionally charged time for everyone, can turn a small molehill into a major mountain. The key is to not fall into the trap of incomplete logic. For example: he didn't introduce me to his kids therefore he doesn't love me.
For some reason, Christmas makes our interpretation of events far more emotional and distorted than usual. If there is a time when we are more likely to go off the deep end, it is Christmas. To avoid these potholes of logic you need to focus on the underlying real bonds. Even if your mum is acting really weird or your partner has become a cold fish, accept that they still love you. Maybe they are just dealing with their own ghosts or trying to come to grips with their great (and often, dashed) expectations. If the deep connection was there in the first place, one Christmas brawl is not going to destroy it, any more than a rain shower can destroy a field of flowers. In the end, whatever traumas occur, if the love is there, the bond will only strengthen and grow from the challenge.
Real bonding
Christmas is a time for real bonds to occur. This is why there is a tradition of giving and receiving gifts. This is that special time of the year for spontaneous good deeds and connecting with your community. The key to these lovely Christmassy experiences is that people go beyond their small ego and connect with one another heart to heart. This is what we are all looking for at Christmas - a real feeling of bonding. Keep your eyes peeled for all the ways that people might be trying to reach out to you. Sometimes it can be the smallest thing that happens that can make your Christmas great. Even a little bird landing on your window can bring unexpected joy and a sense of wonder to you if you are open to it. When you have an open heart, it does not take much to make you happy and joyful.
To connect with someone else's heart the first step is to find a way to connect with your own heart. Then you are ready to share with others. To discover your own unique way of sharing for this Christmas try this short exercise. Close your eyes and let the first thing that comes to you be the way: a card, a smile, a great meal. You can be as creative and original as you dare!
Some simple Conflict Avoiding Rules
Rule Number 1 - Time out:
Take time out if things seem to be flaring up either within you or around you. Remember - you don't have to stand in the middle of the flames and continue to be burnt. Step aside and let things quieten down.
Rule Number 2 - Warming signs:
Read the signs. If you have a fairly good idea that your partner needs 5 rum and cokes to become a wisecracking insult machine, then watch out for the signs. Being aware of signs early can nip things in the bud. If you can't nip things in the bud then refer to rule number one!
Rule Number 3 - Accept conflict:
The reality is that when you stick a whole group of people and / or children together (particularly those who have a history with one another) there is a good chance there will be a bust up or two. So accept this and don't let it ruin your day. You don't have to stress yourself out being the peacemaker between warring sides. Simply let it happen and have a good sense of humour about issues if they do flare up. There is nothing more healing than being able to look at a situation and laugh. Or at least get on with the party when the tiff is over. The most important thing is to keep conflict in its place - which is bottom of the priority list on your best Christmas ever.
Rule Number 4: Enjoy yourself.
(No instruction required!)
tirsdag 18. desember 2007
Forgiveness works! It is often difficult, AND it works!
If we really want to love, we must learn how to forgive. - Mother Theresa
We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged you. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to you) and expecting THEM to die!
Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." Believe it!
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it! All is forgiven.
Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.
Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because forgiveness is an internal matter.
Choice is always present in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.
There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!
We often think of forgiveness as something that someone who has done us wrong must ask of US. There is always another way of looking at something. My thoughts on forgiveness suggest that you focus on offering forgiveness TO the person who has wronged you. To not forgive them is like taking the poison (continuing to suffer for what they did or didn't do to you) and expecting THEM to die!
Alexander Pope once said, "To err is human; to forgive, Divine." Believe it!
Forgiveness is a gift you give to yourself. It is not something you do FOR someone else. It is not complicated. It is simple. Simply identify the situation to be forgiven and ask yourself: "Am I willing to waste my energy further on this matter?" If the answer is "No," then that's it! All is forgiven.
Forgiveness is an act of the imagination. It dares you to imagine a better future, one that is based on the blessed possibility that your hurt will not be the final word on the matter. It challenges you to give up your destructive thoughts about the situation and to believe in the possibility of a better future. It builds confidence that you can survive the pain and grow from it.
Telling someone is a bonus! It is not necessary for forgiveness to begin the process that heals the hurt. Forgiveness has little or nothing to do with another person because forgiveness is an internal matter.
Choice is always present in forgiveness. You do not have to forgive AND there are consequences. Refusing to forgive by holding on to the anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal can make your own life miserable. A vindictive mind-set creates bitterness and lets the betrayer claim one more victim.
There is nothing so bad that cannot be forgiven. Nothing!
onsdag 12. desember 2007
Techniques for improving your intuition
1. Relaxation...
You can learn how to relax and follow the feeling that goes with the intuition. This is the fundamental practice in any psychic or intuitive work. As you practice relaxing more and more when an intuition comes to you, you will discover that you can hold onto the feeling of it for longer and longer periods. This gives you more time to explore the intuition before it starts to fade away back down into your subconscious mind.
2. Expand your senses...
You can also learn which of the senses you seem to favour in how your body responds or reacts. Intuition relies on your senses to give you the message that something is happening and you need to take notice. Although intuition development teaches you how to understand all your senses, you'll find that you favour one of your senses in the way that your intuitions communicate their messages to you. With practice, you might discover that your sense of seeing within, or clairvoyance, is the way your intuition communicates most strongly to you. Of course, you'll need to study your other intuitive senses, such as clairaudience and clairsentience, in order to discover which sensory pathway is the way you favour.
3. Journaling
You can write about your intuitions, as a way of getting them out into the open. Writing in a workbook or special intuition journal is a very effective means of exploring your intuitions. I recommend that you write what comes to you at the end of track three in particular. Intuitions often come to you in a special context that will not be quite the same again, so it is best to capture them at the time they happen.
4. Intuition in Action
You might be talking to a work colleague and something flashes before your eyes. Instead of leaving it until later to make sense of, pause for a moment, take the feeling within you and relax into it. Even if the understanding doesn't come right then, you are practising giving the intuition the focus it is looking for from you. That is where the relaxation on track two is an effective way to go deeper into your subconscious mind.
You can learn how to relax and follow the feeling that goes with the intuition. This is the fundamental practice in any psychic or intuitive work. As you practice relaxing more and more when an intuition comes to you, you will discover that you can hold onto the feeling of it for longer and longer periods. This gives you more time to explore the intuition before it starts to fade away back down into your subconscious mind.
2. Expand your senses...
You can also learn which of the senses you seem to favour in how your body responds or reacts. Intuition relies on your senses to give you the message that something is happening and you need to take notice. Although intuition development teaches you how to understand all your senses, you'll find that you favour one of your senses in the way that your intuitions communicate their messages to you. With practice, you might discover that your sense of seeing within, or clairvoyance, is the way your intuition communicates most strongly to you. Of course, you'll need to study your other intuitive senses, such as clairaudience and clairsentience, in order to discover which sensory pathway is the way you favour.
3. Journaling
You can write about your intuitions, as a way of getting them out into the open. Writing in a workbook or special intuition journal is a very effective means of exploring your intuitions. I recommend that you write what comes to you at the end of track three in particular. Intuitions often come to you in a special context that will not be quite the same again, so it is best to capture them at the time they happen.
4. Intuition in Action
You might be talking to a work colleague and something flashes before your eyes. Instead of leaving it until later to make sense of, pause for a moment, take the feeling within you and relax into it. Even if the understanding doesn't come right then, you are practising giving the intuition the focus it is looking for from you. That is where the relaxation on track two is an effective way to go deeper into your subconscious mind.
tirsdag 27. november 2007
How can you trust your feelings?
How do we know if what we feel for someone is real and how can we know if it will be lasting? In the world of relationships, “feelings”, for want of a better word, are the currency that makes things move up and down, backwards and forwards, inside and out. When we have feelings for someone, we can be overcome with joy, inspiration and excitement as we experience the full force of our feelings of love and attraction.
Yet, before we know it, we can start feeling anxiety and insecurities if these feelings somehow don’t match with the reality we afford them. So what does this mean? Does it mean that our feelings have tricked us? Have we done something to warrant another change of feeling? If feelings can switch so quickly, how can we ever trust how we feel?
These are questions to which there are no “easy” answers. But there are ways we can experience our feelings, which will mean there is less room for huge drops and losses. At the same time, we may need to be willing to forgo the huge dizzy heights that make those rock bottom experiences even more pronounced.
Dealing with Expectations
One of the biggest issues when it comes to having deep feelings for another person is the expectation that arises within these feelings. Obviously when we love someone deeply, and they appear to share this same love and affection, the feelings tend to enhance each other. Yet within this very sensitive state, we can become acutely aware of all the subtle nuances of that person’s feelings. So the moment there is a slight deviation from the good feelings we want, we sense this and often what we sense is magnified out of proportion.
An all to familiar spiral of emotional events can then take place: They pull back - we move forward; they become more distant - we become more anxious; until eventually, all those great feelings that once moved so freely have now been replaced by their coldness and distance and your fear and anxiety.
In the mourning and licking of wounds period afterwards, we can then start to ask ourselves these very basic question: How could something that felt so right and so mutual suddenly disappear in a spiral of fear. Were my feelings all wrong and misplaced? How can someone go from being in love with me to suddenly not seeming to care any more. The answers to these questions come down to the nature of life and the nature of feelings. It’s normal and natural to want to hold on to something that makes us feel good inside. But that desire doesn’t reconcile with the fact that in life, everything changes. We didn’t know this person, we met them, we fell in love. The change from not knowing to knowing them is a change we are happy to accept and embrace. The change then of them leaving our life is still part of the moving and changing flow of life but because it doesn’t favour us, we suddenly stop embracing and starting retreating.
So the first thing to help you in understanding your feelings and how they work is to accept, as simple as it sounds, that everything in life changes. Sometimes it works for us and sometimes it doesn’t. The more we accept this and try to work with this flow of change, rather then resist it, the happier we’ll be and the less energy we will have wasted.
Life doesn't always fit into a box
This same understanding links into a deeper fact that sometimes what we think is right for us, sometimes simply isn’t. Life does work in mysterious ways, and often our minds try to control life to fit into a box that suits us. Relationships are a particular aspect where this occurs frequently.
The fact is that sometimes you have to accept that you don’t know or have the answers.
What you can know is that you gave to someone wholeheartedly, that you loved someone with warmth and sincerity. What happens after that we don’t often have much control over. As you embrace this and trust that all you can do in life and relationships is give your whole self to who ever and what ever you do, then these questions to varying degrees will become irrelevant, as you move into a universe that’s not geared to getting what you want, but a universe that supports what you give. In the end, when it comes to the currency of feelings, you will no doubt end up a rich person.
Yet, before we know it, we can start feeling anxiety and insecurities if these feelings somehow don’t match with the reality we afford them. So what does this mean? Does it mean that our feelings have tricked us? Have we done something to warrant another change of feeling? If feelings can switch so quickly, how can we ever trust how we feel?
These are questions to which there are no “easy” answers. But there are ways we can experience our feelings, which will mean there is less room for huge drops and losses. At the same time, we may need to be willing to forgo the huge dizzy heights that make those rock bottom experiences even more pronounced.
Dealing with Expectations
One of the biggest issues when it comes to having deep feelings for another person is the expectation that arises within these feelings. Obviously when we love someone deeply, and they appear to share this same love and affection, the feelings tend to enhance each other. Yet within this very sensitive state, we can become acutely aware of all the subtle nuances of that person’s feelings. So the moment there is a slight deviation from the good feelings we want, we sense this and often what we sense is magnified out of proportion.
An all to familiar spiral of emotional events can then take place: They pull back - we move forward; they become more distant - we become more anxious; until eventually, all those great feelings that once moved so freely have now been replaced by their coldness and distance and your fear and anxiety.
In the mourning and licking of wounds period afterwards, we can then start to ask ourselves these very basic question: How could something that felt so right and so mutual suddenly disappear in a spiral of fear. Were my feelings all wrong and misplaced? How can someone go from being in love with me to suddenly not seeming to care any more. The answers to these questions come down to the nature of life and the nature of feelings. It’s normal and natural to want to hold on to something that makes us feel good inside. But that desire doesn’t reconcile with the fact that in life, everything changes. We didn’t know this person, we met them, we fell in love. The change from not knowing to knowing them is a change we are happy to accept and embrace. The change then of them leaving our life is still part of the moving and changing flow of life but because it doesn’t favour us, we suddenly stop embracing and starting retreating.
So the first thing to help you in understanding your feelings and how they work is to accept, as simple as it sounds, that everything in life changes. Sometimes it works for us and sometimes it doesn’t. The more we accept this and try to work with this flow of change, rather then resist it, the happier we’ll be and the less energy we will have wasted.
Life doesn't always fit into a box
This same understanding links into a deeper fact that sometimes what we think is right for us, sometimes simply isn’t. Life does work in mysterious ways, and often our minds try to control life to fit into a box that suits us. Relationships are a particular aspect where this occurs frequently.
The fact is that sometimes you have to accept that you don’t know or have the answers.
What you can know is that you gave to someone wholeheartedly, that you loved someone with warmth and sincerity. What happens after that we don’t often have much control over. As you embrace this and trust that all you can do in life and relationships is give your whole self to who ever and what ever you do, then these questions to varying degrees will become irrelevant, as you move into a universe that’s not geared to getting what you want, but a universe that supports what you give. In the end, when it comes to the currency of feelings, you will no doubt end up a rich person.
onsdag 21. november 2007
Finding your soulmate, finding yourself.
The concept of the 'soul mate' means finding somebody who 'completes' you, like two pieces of a puzzle fitting together or a lock and key that opens the door to a new world. In a way this is true - there are relationships that push you through personal growth and transformation. Once you have walked this path, everything is different - you have changed and the world has changed for you. These relationships can be like catalysts - whizzing into your life and turning everything upside down. But what happens next? Do these life-changing people have to disappear out of your life?
Why do we crave the other half?
What is it we find in this other person that makes it so hard to exist without them? Just like Romeo and Juliette, we cast ourselves as one half of a whole that can't function independently. After entering into such a deep affair, being left can make you feel suicidal, despairing and deeply depressed. Going back to a 'normal' life seems like going back to watching black and white television instead of plasma colour. It is unappealing to say the least. However, we all know in the end 'time heals’ and life goes back to normal. You wonder how you will live without the intensity of your lover, but of course, you do.
This is the most frightening thing of all: should you even give it a chance. Usually after such an experience of being in love, the answer is NO. Or even if you want to, there are many walls and fortresses around you. It is never the same the second time around. We become frightened and resistant to the experience we no longer trust. If you do happen to fall - all you want is reassurance: Will it be worth it in the end? Will we end up together? Will it last? The need to hold on to this love object can become almost obsessional. The thought that they may sail out of your life, never to be seen again, is terrifying. You imagine going through the rest of your life with unresolved feelings. Somehow, the plan is that if you can get through the challenges, fears, difficulties, break-ups and make-ups, you will then be able to establish a solid ground upon which to build a future. It seems like a pipe dream, but in a way it is the only dream you have. Cutting off the feelings is akin to cutting off one of your limbs - purposeless and unbearably painful.
What is this psychological process so powerful that can grip our hearts?
You may think you can release yourself simply through struggle or persisting in your efforts to bring the relationship together - but you will only sink further into the quicksand you are standing in. There is a way - but it is not an easy path. It requires you to let go, to be honest with yourself, to have the courage to open your heart and strength to rise above the games and petty power struggles. Many books have been written: ‘He's just not that into you’, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, and the advice within these books will just crumble in the face of the intensity of feelings you experience in this sort of bond. Pop psychology has its place and can at times be very empowering to help you to shift your perspective on things. However deep emotional changes require a deeper level of insight.
What Jung says about projection?
Psychologist Carl Jung reveals a hidden psychological process, which he calls 'projection'. This process can explain a lot of behaviour and psychological distress. Essentially, Jung felt that we all project aspects of ourselves out there into the world, into other people, and then struggle to unite with these missing parts.
Jung argues that we project the qualities that we ourselves possess out there into someone or something else. He names two major projections that people possess: the Anima and the Animus. The Anima is a man's projection of 'woman' and the Animus is the woman's projection of 'man'. So where do these projections comes from? Well, the anima and animus, for example, develop during childhood. As you grow up as a little boy or little girl, you develop your gender identity as male or female. In order to be female, you must block off the male aspects / qualities that you possess and identify more strongly with the female qualities, and vice versa for the male. This process of denying, suppressing and controlling these other unexpressed feelings, qualities and parts of the self, lead you to feel incomplete, empty and unfulfilled. In effect, you are not truly being your whole self.
Jung believed that this leads people to see in an 'other' what is denied, repressed and controlled within themselves. So you search for your missing self in the other.
Do soul mates really exist?
I am not saying that a soul mate is simply a projection of a part of you into someone else. I think this explanation misses a very essential and important aspect to our existence: Our Oneness.
The Oneness is a strange concept in our modern individualistic world view. Yet the idea of the oneness of all things exists in all major spiritual and religious traditions. In the Oneness, we do share qualities. We are everything but we also share everything. So it is true that I may be a woman and you may be a man. I am not stuck in this identity and neither are you - because in the Oneness we are everything - but at the same time we’re not only One. Jung suggests that the psychological is all there is. Everything is within and there is nothing without. I agree that everything is within, but also there is a sharing with the universe too. It is this state of open sharing that we are trying to return to.
Obsession, attachment, possession, loss, abandonment - all these feelings are related to a sense of separation from the whole. I see the process of healing as two fold:
1. To connect with the universe through relationship with yourself
2. To share with the universe through relationship with others
Effectively this means releasing attachments, identifying areas of suppression, control, and knowing your projections so you can then create a clear pathway of interaction with an 'other'. In a word: it means self-knowledge. You can't know if you are connecting with a real feeling for someone else until you know yourself. Then when you form relationships, they are based on real creativity and appreciation of another person rather than being drawn to them because they are a reflection of your 'lost' self.
Ultimately, this is the goal of all relationships - to join together in a way that honours both people and in a way which is creative and harmonious. Once you feel that sense of connectedness, you can embrace love, be in harmony with your lover, and see the big picture of your destiny once more. But in order to reach this 'light' you must enter into the tunnel and discover its depths and follow its twists and turns. This is not a journey to take lightly, but one we are all destined to make at one point or another - because the pull of love is simply too strong.
Why do we crave the other half?
What is it we find in this other person that makes it so hard to exist without them? Just like Romeo and Juliette, we cast ourselves as one half of a whole that can't function independently. After entering into such a deep affair, being left can make you feel suicidal, despairing and deeply depressed. Going back to a 'normal' life seems like going back to watching black and white television instead of plasma colour. It is unappealing to say the least. However, we all know in the end 'time heals’ and life goes back to normal. You wonder how you will live without the intensity of your lover, but of course, you do.
This is the most frightening thing of all: should you even give it a chance. Usually after such an experience of being in love, the answer is NO. Or even if you want to, there are many walls and fortresses around you. It is never the same the second time around. We become frightened and resistant to the experience we no longer trust. If you do happen to fall - all you want is reassurance: Will it be worth it in the end? Will we end up together? Will it last? The need to hold on to this love object can become almost obsessional. The thought that they may sail out of your life, never to be seen again, is terrifying. You imagine going through the rest of your life with unresolved feelings. Somehow, the plan is that if you can get through the challenges, fears, difficulties, break-ups and make-ups, you will then be able to establish a solid ground upon which to build a future. It seems like a pipe dream, but in a way it is the only dream you have. Cutting off the feelings is akin to cutting off one of your limbs - purposeless and unbearably painful.
What is this psychological process so powerful that can grip our hearts?
You may think you can release yourself simply through struggle or persisting in your efforts to bring the relationship together - but you will only sink further into the quicksand you are standing in. There is a way - but it is not an easy path. It requires you to let go, to be honest with yourself, to have the courage to open your heart and strength to rise above the games and petty power struggles. Many books have been written: ‘He's just not that into you’, ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus’, and the advice within these books will just crumble in the face of the intensity of feelings you experience in this sort of bond. Pop psychology has its place and can at times be very empowering to help you to shift your perspective on things. However deep emotional changes require a deeper level of insight.
What Jung says about projection?
Psychologist Carl Jung reveals a hidden psychological process, which he calls 'projection'. This process can explain a lot of behaviour and psychological distress. Essentially, Jung felt that we all project aspects of ourselves out there into the world, into other people, and then struggle to unite with these missing parts.
Jung argues that we project the qualities that we ourselves possess out there into someone or something else. He names two major projections that people possess: the Anima and the Animus. The Anima is a man's projection of 'woman' and the Animus is the woman's projection of 'man'. So where do these projections comes from? Well, the anima and animus, for example, develop during childhood. As you grow up as a little boy or little girl, you develop your gender identity as male or female. In order to be female, you must block off the male aspects / qualities that you possess and identify more strongly with the female qualities, and vice versa for the male. This process of denying, suppressing and controlling these other unexpressed feelings, qualities and parts of the self, lead you to feel incomplete, empty and unfulfilled. In effect, you are not truly being your whole self.
Jung believed that this leads people to see in an 'other' what is denied, repressed and controlled within themselves. So you search for your missing self in the other.
Do soul mates really exist?
I am not saying that a soul mate is simply a projection of a part of you into someone else. I think this explanation misses a very essential and important aspect to our existence: Our Oneness.
The Oneness is a strange concept in our modern individualistic world view. Yet the idea of the oneness of all things exists in all major spiritual and religious traditions. In the Oneness, we do share qualities. We are everything but we also share everything. So it is true that I may be a woman and you may be a man. I am not stuck in this identity and neither are you - because in the Oneness we are everything - but at the same time we’re not only One. Jung suggests that the psychological is all there is. Everything is within and there is nothing without. I agree that everything is within, but also there is a sharing with the universe too. It is this state of open sharing that we are trying to return to.
Obsession, attachment, possession, loss, abandonment - all these feelings are related to a sense of separation from the whole. I see the process of healing as two fold:
1. To connect with the universe through relationship with yourself
2. To share with the universe through relationship with others
Effectively this means releasing attachments, identifying areas of suppression, control, and knowing your projections so you can then create a clear pathway of interaction with an 'other'. In a word: it means self-knowledge. You can't know if you are connecting with a real feeling for someone else until you know yourself. Then when you form relationships, they are based on real creativity and appreciation of another person rather than being drawn to them because they are a reflection of your 'lost' self.
Ultimately, this is the goal of all relationships - to join together in a way that honours both people and in a way which is creative and harmonious. Once you feel that sense of connectedness, you can embrace love, be in harmony with your lover, and see the big picture of your destiny once more. But in order to reach this 'light' you must enter into the tunnel and discover its depths and follow its twists and turns. This is not a journey to take lightly, but one we are all destined to make at one point or another - because the pull of love is simply too strong.
fredag 2. november 2007
Jealousy - Are you turning into the green eyed monster?
When you are feeling jealous, there are usually two questions you have: is your partner really cheating on you or is it all just in your mind?
This is a major dilemma. It can make you doubt yourself and your intuition about what is going on. Is it an intuition or is it just a fear? Is s/he or isn't s/he? Sometimes you can have suspicions or know something is going to happen long before anything actually occurs. At other times you can be reading far too much into little gestures and situations. How can you find the truth?
Obsessive attempts to uncover the truth can cause you to lose your confidence. As feelings of jealousy escalate, they can lead you to do things, that in ordinary circumstances, you simply wouldn't do. You might search through email accounts, phone messages, check the distances travelled on the mileage clock of your partner’s car, credit card receipts and the like. And all in a desperate attempt to uncover the truth. You can become like a mad person on a witch hunt, determined to prove that you are correct. This will just increase the doubts, because no matter how much proof you think you have, beyond seeing it with your own eyes or a confession from your partner - you are never going to be totally sure if s/he is or s/he isn't.
Is she or isn't she?
The second side-effect of the ‘is s/he or isn’t s/he?’ duality is that it usually stamps out real attempts to communicate with your partner. When you are jealous, feelings of distrust, anger and fear block honest communication. If indeed your partner is having an affair, or fancies someone else, they are unlikely to share it in this environment. Conversely, if they are innocent, you will be unlikely to believe their protestations.
What is the way forward when you’re in the grip of romantic jealousy?
The real issue of jealousy is much deeper than this duality: is s/he or isn't s/he. Jealousy is a reaction to a real or perceived threat. Whether or not the threat is real, jealousy is not the best reaction. It is part of our human conditioning - so most of us will experience jealousy at one point in our lives. Some people experience jealous reactions so deeply they feel driven to commit crimes. Other people may only feel a twinge of jealousy. Wherever your experiences are along the continuum of jealousy, you face the same challenge: discovering a more harmonious reaction.
Resolve your inner fear.
A lot of jealous feelings are rooted in fear of the future. Paradoxically, fears of the future come from the past! Your previous experiences leave expectations and memories in your body that will be triggered when you face a similar emotional situation. Sometimes your fear can feel like your friend, protecting you from pain and humiliation - but be clear - fear is never your friend. Fear is a limited response based on mistrusting the universe and ultimately mistrusting your own soul. Old fears hang around and limit your potential and keep you focused on the old mistakes. When you let go of fear your senses become alert, your intuition is sharpened and you move into new territory in your life, effectively moving away from the pain of the past.
What to watch for?
Have you been cheated on or betrayed before?
These old ghosts may be distorting your perspective and making you read into things. If you have been duped before, you could be on the alert of being betrayed again. It is important to make sure your new partner is not paying for the crimes of your past lovers!
Did you have a childhood that featured abandonment?
If you do not have a strong sense of security from your early childhood, this can make you hyper-sensitive to threats in the future. You could be more likely than others to believe and expect the worst. This does not necessarily have to be the case. You could have issues in your childhood that are fully resolved now and you have grown from them - however if you have not examined some of your past then these expectations could be distorting your view now.
Connect through communication.
As I mentioned earlier, the only way to resolve your suspicions is to talk openly with your partner. If you are experiencing jealousy, sometimes you could be right - there may be something going on. But often you will find you are picking up that something is wrong in general. There is no point in trying to suppress these warning signs. The challenge is not to respond with fear but to respond with curiosity, to find out how your partner really feels. This will immediately open the doors of communication, because you are putting the emphasis in the right place: what is the underlying feeling or issue. It will also create room for your partner to be open with you.
The advantage of putting the focus on what they are feeling about the relationship and themselves, rather than focusing on all the evidence you have uncovered, is that it will give you the potential to heal your relationship. Of course there is the possibility your partner will not share and open up. Then you will have to consider where the relationship is going because without openness and talking the relationship will falter and die.
Are you in denial?
If you are frightened of finding out how your partner is feeling you could be even blocking their attempts to communicate their issues. This can result in a situation when they are saying things to you and you are making excuses for them in your mind rather than hearing what they are saying. If you find yourself having conversations with yourself in your head about your partner and what their reasons may be, it is important to recognize that this is denying them the opportunity to open up to you and share what is really going on.
Can you listen?
Listening is not the same as healing - any good counsellor will tell you that. It is important that when you communicate with your partner you make a decision to actually listen. If you think you already know what is happening, there is a danger you will jump in with your beliefs and assessments without actually listening to what they are saying.
Are you asking the right questions?
Remember what you are fighting for: a good, healthy and honourable relationship. Stick to the fundamentals. Getting sidetracked into a slinging match will only drag your self-esteem down even further. Be careful to find out how your partner actually feels about the relationship. What the issues might be. If he/she is having doubts and then if it is heading that way: ask the million dollar question clearly and directly: are you seeing someone else. Or do you want to.
Be confident in your destiny
Whatever the outcome - this is your life and your destiny. If you are meant to be with your partner then this will unfold. You will work through the problems and be closer as a result of it.
If you are lead down another path - trust yourself, trust your destiny. You have other greater things awaiting you and you are being guided to take this new path.
by Michelle Walter
This is a major dilemma. It can make you doubt yourself and your intuition about what is going on. Is it an intuition or is it just a fear? Is s/he or isn't s/he? Sometimes you can have suspicions or know something is going to happen long before anything actually occurs. At other times you can be reading far too much into little gestures and situations. How can you find the truth?
Obsessive attempts to uncover the truth can cause you to lose your confidence. As feelings of jealousy escalate, they can lead you to do things, that in ordinary circumstances, you simply wouldn't do. You might search through email accounts, phone messages, check the distances travelled on the mileage clock of your partner’s car, credit card receipts and the like. And all in a desperate attempt to uncover the truth. You can become like a mad person on a witch hunt, determined to prove that you are correct. This will just increase the doubts, because no matter how much proof you think you have, beyond seeing it with your own eyes or a confession from your partner - you are never going to be totally sure if s/he is or s/he isn't.
Is she or isn't she?
The second side-effect of the ‘is s/he or isn’t s/he?’ duality is that it usually stamps out real attempts to communicate with your partner. When you are jealous, feelings of distrust, anger and fear block honest communication. If indeed your partner is having an affair, or fancies someone else, they are unlikely to share it in this environment. Conversely, if they are innocent, you will be unlikely to believe their protestations.
What is the way forward when you’re in the grip of romantic jealousy?
The real issue of jealousy is much deeper than this duality: is s/he or isn't s/he. Jealousy is a reaction to a real or perceived threat. Whether or not the threat is real, jealousy is not the best reaction. It is part of our human conditioning - so most of us will experience jealousy at one point in our lives. Some people experience jealous reactions so deeply they feel driven to commit crimes. Other people may only feel a twinge of jealousy. Wherever your experiences are along the continuum of jealousy, you face the same challenge: discovering a more harmonious reaction.
Resolve your inner fear.
A lot of jealous feelings are rooted in fear of the future. Paradoxically, fears of the future come from the past! Your previous experiences leave expectations and memories in your body that will be triggered when you face a similar emotional situation. Sometimes your fear can feel like your friend, protecting you from pain and humiliation - but be clear - fear is never your friend. Fear is a limited response based on mistrusting the universe and ultimately mistrusting your own soul. Old fears hang around and limit your potential and keep you focused on the old mistakes. When you let go of fear your senses become alert, your intuition is sharpened and you move into new territory in your life, effectively moving away from the pain of the past.
What to watch for?
Have you been cheated on or betrayed before?
These old ghosts may be distorting your perspective and making you read into things. If you have been duped before, you could be on the alert of being betrayed again. It is important to make sure your new partner is not paying for the crimes of your past lovers!
Did you have a childhood that featured abandonment?
If you do not have a strong sense of security from your early childhood, this can make you hyper-sensitive to threats in the future. You could be more likely than others to believe and expect the worst. This does not necessarily have to be the case. You could have issues in your childhood that are fully resolved now and you have grown from them - however if you have not examined some of your past then these expectations could be distorting your view now.
Connect through communication.
As I mentioned earlier, the only way to resolve your suspicions is to talk openly with your partner. If you are experiencing jealousy, sometimes you could be right - there may be something going on. But often you will find you are picking up that something is wrong in general. There is no point in trying to suppress these warning signs. The challenge is not to respond with fear but to respond with curiosity, to find out how your partner really feels. This will immediately open the doors of communication, because you are putting the emphasis in the right place: what is the underlying feeling or issue. It will also create room for your partner to be open with you.
The advantage of putting the focus on what they are feeling about the relationship and themselves, rather than focusing on all the evidence you have uncovered, is that it will give you the potential to heal your relationship. Of course there is the possibility your partner will not share and open up. Then you will have to consider where the relationship is going because without openness and talking the relationship will falter and die.
Are you in denial?
If you are frightened of finding out how your partner is feeling you could be even blocking their attempts to communicate their issues. This can result in a situation when they are saying things to you and you are making excuses for them in your mind rather than hearing what they are saying. If you find yourself having conversations with yourself in your head about your partner and what their reasons may be, it is important to recognize that this is denying them the opportunity to open up to you and share what is really going on.
Can you listen?
Listening is not the same as healing - any good counsellor will tell you that. It is important that when you communicate with your partner you make a decision to actually listen. If you think you already know what is happening, there is a danger you will jump in with your beliefs and assessments without actually listening to what they are saying.
Are you asking the right questions?
Remember what you are fighting for: a good, healthy and honourable relationship. Stick to the fundamentals. Getting sidetracked into a slinging match will only drag your self-esteem down even further. Be careful to find out how your partner actually feels about the relationship. What the issues might be. If he/she is having doubts and then if it is heading that way: ask the million dollar question clearly and directly: are you seeing someone else. Or do you want to.
Be confident in your destiny
Whatever the outcome - this is your life and your destiny. If you are meant to be with your partner then this will unfold. You will work through the problems and be closer as a result of it.
If you are lead down another path - trust yourself, trust your destiny. You have other greater things awaiting you and you are being guided to take this new path.
by Michelle Walter
fredag 26. oktober 2007
Kunsten å be om unnskyldning
Så vanskelig det enn kan være å legge seg paddeflat og be om tilgivelse: En ektefølt unnskyldning kan noen ganger være helt avgjørende for om et vennskap eller et forhold vil fortsette å være liv laga.
En unnskyldning er noe mer enn en sosial og sympatisk gest: En unnskyldning er et viktig ritual, som innebærer at en uttrykker respekt for, og empati med, den man har såret eller forurettet. Å beklage en handling kan være helt avgjørende for om et vennskap eller en relasjon kan holdes i live. Selv om en unnskyldning ikke fører til at fadesen blir ”ugjort”, kan den, hvis den er ektefølt og overbevisende, få bukt med de negative følgene av selve handlingen. Forskning viser sågar at det å motta en unnskyldning av et visst kaliber har en merkbar positiv effekt på kroppen: Blodtrykket blir lavere, hjertet slår langsommere og pusten antar en mer harmonisk rytme.
Følelsesmessige fordeler
En som har blitt såret eller behandlet dårlig kan bli følelsesmessig helet ved at den som står bak krenkelsen erkjenner og tilkjennegir at han/hun har rammet vedkommende. Når noen på en overbevisende måte ber oss om unnskyldning slutter vi å oppleve den som har såret oss som en trussel. Unnskyldninger hjelper oss med å legge sinnet og følelsen av å være dårlig behandlet bak oss. En unnskyldning gjør det mulig å tilgi den som har rammet oss og i stedet få en empatisk innstilling til vedkommende.
Positivt for begge parter
Angeren og skammen som ofte følger med det å ha såret eller rammet noen kan tære på oss til de grader at vi blir psykisk eller fysisk syke. Ved å ta ansvar og be den vi har rammet om unnskyldning, gjør vi samtidig noe med vår egen skam- og selvfølelse. En unnskyldning kan potensielt gjøre den mest arrogante ydmyk. Det gjør noe dyptgripende med vår egen selvrespekt at vi innrømmer for oss selv at vi har begått en feil og tar mot til oss og ber om unnskyldning for ”ugjerningen”.
Holder relasjoner varme
Det er lettere å være følelsesmessig knyttet til venner og familiemedlemmer som har evnen til å be om unnskyldning. Vet vi at vi har såret en, fører dette ofte til at vi holder oss unna vedkommende. Den som har blitt rammet vil også i de fleste tilfeller holde avstand. En berettiget unnskyldning kan gjøre at begge parter igjen føler seg friere til å være intime og vise sårbarhet.
Unnskyldninger fører til empati
Skal man tilgi et medmenneske, må de fleste kjenne en viss grad av empati og medfølelse for å være i stand til det. Det er langt enklere å ha denne type gode følelser for en som er i stand til å innrømme at han/hun har vært urettferdig eller ufin. Det er rett og slett menneskelig i mange tilfeller å kjenne at man fortjener en unnskyldning før man er villig til å tilgi en ugjerning eller sårende hendelse. Dette skyldes at vårt bilde av vedkommende forandrer seg når han/hun innrømmer å ha såret oss. I stedet for at opplevelsen av vedkommende er farget av sinne og bitterhet, fremstår ”en angrende synder” som et menneskelig vesen som kan tråkke feil og som selv er sårbart – mer lik oss selv... Dette beveger oss – og relasjonen – i en konstruktiv retning.
Forskere som har undersøkt hva en unnskyldning gjør for vår evne til å tilgi, fant at mye av grunnen til at vi lettere tilgir en som ber oss om unnskyldning enn andre som har såret oss, men ikke gjør noe forsøk på å ”rydde opp”, er at beklagelser og innrømmelser fører til økt empati – som er utslagsgivende for vår evne til å tilgi andre mennesker.
En unnskyldning må være ektefølt
Det er liten vits i å be noen om unnskyldning hvis du ikke har et geniunt ønske om å gjenopprette balansen og virkelig føler at du har begått et overtramp. Du vil ikke bli trodd likevel hvis du ikke med hele deg mener at du angrer på det du har gjort. Hvordan formidler man en unnskyldning på best mulig vis? Ifølge forfatter Beverly Engel som har skrevet boka: The Power of Apology må følgende tre ”momenter” inngå i en god og virksom, dvs. ektefølt beklagelse:
Anger: Tilkjennegi at du angrer på det du har gjort. Selv om du ikke har ment å gjøre den andre vondt, er det viktig at du formidler til den andre at du like fullt anerkjenner at han/hun ble såret over din væremåte.
Ansvar: Vis at du er er klar over at du selv er ansvarlig for dine egne handlinger/din egen væremåte. Dette innebærer at du ikke klandrer den du vil be om unnskyldning – eller andre – for det du gjorde. For at en unnskyldning skal være overbevisende må du ta det fulle og hele ansvaret for det du gjorde – eller unnlot å gjøre. I en unnskyldning som skal ha noe for seg må du derfor i klartekst si at du har ansvaret for det som skjedde.
Botemiddel: Vis at du er villig til å gjøre det som skal til for å bedre situasjonen. Selv om du ikke kan gjøre noe med det som har skjedd, kan du gjøre noe med etterdønningene som fulgte. En meningsfull unnskyldning må derfor inneha et element av at ”dette skal ikke skje igjen”. Her kan det f.eks. være på sin plass å si at du vil gjøre sånn eller slik for å unngå at episoden gjentar seg.
Ifølge Engel vil den som blir bedt om tilgivelse føle at noe mangler, hvis ikke alle elementene over inngår i unnskyldningen og han/hun vil kunne føle seg ”snytt”.
Forfatter: Elisabeth Endsjø
En unnskyldning er noe mer enn en sosial og sympatisk gest: En unnskyldning er et viktig ritual, som innebærer at en uttrykker respekt for, og empati med, den man har såret eller forurettet. Å beklage en handling kan være helt avgjørende for om et vennskap eller en relasjon kan holdes i live. Selv om en unnskyldning ikke fører til at fadesen blir ”ugjort”, kan den, hvis den er ektefølt og overbevisende, få bukt med de negative følgene av selve handlingen. Forskning viser sågar at det å motta en unnskyldning av et visst kaliber har en merkbar positiv effekt på kroppen: Blodtrykket blir lavere, hjertet slår langsommere og pusten antar en mer harmonisk rytme.
Følelsesmessige fordeler
En som har blitt såret eller behandlet dårlig kan bli følelsesmessig helet ved at den som står bak krenkelsen erkjenner og tilkjennegir at han/hun har rammet vedkommende. Når noen på en overbevisende måte ber oss om unnskyldning slutter vi å oppleve den som har såret oss som en trussel. Unnskyldninger hjelper oss med å legge sinnet og følelsen av å være dårlig behandlet bak oss. En unnskyldning gjør det mulig å tilgi den som har rammet oss og i stedet få en empatisk innstilling til vedkommende.
Positivt for begge parter
Angeren og skammen som ofte følger med det å ha såret eller rammet noen kan tære på oss til de grader at vi blir psykisk eller fysisk syke. Ved å ta ansvar og be den vi har rammet om unnskyldning, gjør vi samtidig noe med vår egen skam- og selvfølelse. En unnskyldning kan potensielt gjøre den mest arrogante ydmyk. Det gjør noe dyptgripende med vår egen selvrespekt at vi innrømmer for oss selv at vi har begått en feil og tar mot til oss og ber om unnskyldning for ”ugjerningen”.
Holder relasjoner varme
Det er lettere å være følelsesmessig knyttet til venner og familiemedlemmer som har evnen til å be om unnskyldning. Vet vi at vi har såret en, fører dette ofte til at vi holder oss unna vedkommende. Den som har blitt rammet vil også i de fleste tilfeller holde avstand. En berettiget unnskyldning kan gjøre at begge parter igjen føler seg friere til å være intime og vise sårbarhet.
Unnskyldninger fører til empati
Skal man tilgi et medmenneske, må de fleste kjenne en viss grad av empati og medfølelse for å være i stand til det. Det er langt enklere å ha denne type gode følelser for en som er i stand til å innrømme at han/hun har vært urettferdig eller ufin. Det er rett og slett menneskelig i mange tilfeller å kjenne at man fortjener en unnskyldning før man er villig til å tilgi en ugjerning eller sårende hendelse. Dette skyldes at vårt bilde av vedkommende forandrer seg når han/hun innrømmer å ha såret oss. I stedet for at opplevelsen av vedkommende er farget av sinne og bitterhet, fremstår ”en angrende synder” som et menneskelig vesen som kan tråkke feil og som selv er sårbart – mer lik oss selv... Dette beveger oss – og relasjonen – i en konstruktiv retning.
Forskere som har undersøkt hva en unnskyldning gjør for vår evne til å tilgi, fant at mye av grunnen til at vi lettere tilgir en som ber oss om unnskyldning enn andre som har såret oss, men ikke gjør noe forsøk på å ”rydde opp”, er at beklagelser og innrømmelser fører til økt empati – som er utslagsgivende for vår evne til å tilgi andre mennesker.
En unnskyldning må være ektefølt
Det er liten vits i å be noen om unnskyldning hvis du ikke har et geniunt ønske om å gjenopprette balansen og virkelig føler at du har begått et overtramp. Du vil ikke bli trodd likevel hvis du ikke med hele deg mener at du angrer på det du har gjort. Hvordan formidler man en unnskyldning på best mulig vis? Ifølge forfatter Beverly Engel som har skrevet boka: The Power of Apology må følgende tre ”momenter” inngå i en god og virksom, dvs. ektefølt beklagelse:
Anger: Tilkjennegi at du angrer på det du har gjort. Selv om du ikke har ment å gjøre den andre vondt, er det viktig at du formidler til den andre at du like fullt anerkjenner at han/hun ble såret over din væremåte.
Ansvar: Vis at du er er klar over at du selv er ansvarlig for dine egne handlinger/din egen væremåte. Dette innebærer at du ikke klandrer den du vil be om unnskyldning – eller andre – for det du gjorde. For at en unnskyldning skal være overbevisende må du ta det fulle og hele ansvaret for det du gjorde – eller unnlot å gjøre. I en unnskyldning som skal ha noe for seg må du derfor i klartekst si at du har ansvaret for det som skjedde.
Botemiddel: Vis at du er villig til å gjøre det som skal til for å bedre situasjonen. Selv om du ikke kan gjøre noe med det som har skjedd, kan du gjøre noe med etterdønningene som fulgte. En meningsfull unnskyldning må derfor inneha et element av at ”dette skal ikke skje igjen”. Her kan det f.eks. være på sin plass å si at du vil gjøre sånn eller slik for å unngå at episoden gjentar seg.
Ifølge Engel vil den som blir bedt om tilgivelse føle at noe mangler, hvis ikke alle elementene over inngår i unnskyldningen og han/hun vil kunne føle seg ”snytt”.
Forfatter: Elisabeth Endsjø
fredag 12. oktober 2007
Intuition in Relationships
Love is blind, or so they say. But is that really so? Are we so enamored by the object of our affection that we cannot see what or who is really there? Or, in the blindness of love, do we forget logic and reason in the hope that we have found everlasting happiness?
Is there such a thing as just knowing that this is the one for you? Could intuition play a part in bringing people together?
I for one have no doubt that intuition plays a significant role in how relationships are formed, and how there is a deep knowing in people that leads them into places of the heart. Sometimes in hindsight we think to ourselves that we must have been mad at the time, mad for jumping so quickly, mad for loving so intensely. But when it happens we don’t think logically. We just know that this is the one and this is where we belong.
But what is this knowing? What does it mean and where does it come from?
In the thousands of readings I have done in my psychic lifetime, I have “seen” many what I call “Past Life Re-enactments” in which people are drawn together through the past life energies which are still flowing between them. If we take what science says to be true, and energy cannot be destroyed, only transformed, then it makes sense to believe that the energy of relationship is also subject to that truth and keeps flowing in a certain form between people until it is transformed into something else. In relationship terms this is called resolution.
Why do I hang on?
The changes that resolution brings can release people to move on or shift into a deeper and more lasting flow. Intuition also plays a part in deciding whether or not resolution is possible in a particular relationship situation. The intuition that leads people to each other can also be the intuition that tells them it is time to leave. But it is much more difficult to know when to leave if there has not been a resolution of a kind that satisfies the mind and heart. That is why many people often hang on and hang in there by a thread. Letting go is a challenge at best and when fear and anxiety are operating it is very difficult to differentiate between intuition and wishful thinking in order to hold on longer, even for security sake.
Intuition cannot operate very effectively when there is fear and anxiety. Learning to relax is the key that allows intuition to flow.
The philosopher Plato reputedly called intuition the highest form of awareness, a sense of things that goes beyond the conventional parameters of consciousness into a space that is best described as knowing. Intuition in relationship tells you about the other person through feelings and a sense of who they are, not from any prior or learned knowledge about them. That sense of knowing includes feelings that embrace the other person in a cocoon of love that allows you to go beyond their faults and failings and see the real person. That sense of knowing takes you beyond the boundaries of ordinary understanding into an acceptance that can seem foolhardy to others looking on. It makes us more tolerant and forgiving, and less judgmental. It allows time to heal the differences when they occur. It makes us more open-hearted to loving more deeply.
Learning to trust intuition
It also opens your heart to being hurt more deeply if things do not work out the way you intuited in the first place. You can even blame yourself for being too intuitive, too sensitive, for being a fool. But what I have discovered in my journey is that when intuition and harmony go hand in hand, then the practicalities fall into place much more easily.
So a rule of thumb to guide you on the path of an intuitive life is to observe when the obstacles are giving you a message to wait look before you leap, and when the practical events and circumstances are falling into place in such a way that you know that harmony is on your side and supporting your intuition to manifest in the best possible and practical way for you and all concerned.
by Gaye Wright,
Is there such a thing as just knowing that this is the one for you? Could intuition play a part in bringing people together?
I for one have no doubt that intuition plays a significant role in how relationships are formed, and how there is a deep knowing in people that leads them into places of the heart. Sometimes in hindsight we think to ourselves that we must have been mad at the time, mad for jumping so quickly, mad for loving so intensely. But when it happens we don’t think logically. We just know that this is the one and this is where we belong.
But what is this knowing? What does it mean and where does it come from?
In the thousands of readings I have done in my psychic lifetime, I have “seen” many what I call “Past Life Re-enactments” in which people are drawn together through the past life energies which are still flowing between them. If we take what science says to be true, and energy cannot be destroyed, only transformed, then it makes sense to believe that the energy of relationship is also subject to that truth and keeps flowing in a certain form between people until it is transformed into something else. In relationship terms this is called resolution.
Why do I hang on?
The changes that resolution brings can release people to move on or shift into a deeper and more lasting flow. Intuition also plays a part in deciding whether or not resolution is possible in a particular relationship situation. The intuition that leads people to each other can also be the intuition that tells them it is time to leave. But it is much more difficult to know when to leave if there has not been a resolution of a kind that satisfies the mind and heart. That is why many people often hang on and hang in there by a thread. Letting go is a challenge at best and when fear and anxiety are operating it is very difficult to differentiate between intuition and wishful thinking in order to hold on longer, even for security sake.
Intuition cannot operate very effectively when there is fear and anxiety. Learning to relax is the key that allows intuition to flow.
The philosopher Plato reputedly called intuition the highest form of awareness, a sense of things that goes beyond the conventional parameters of consciousness into a space that is best described as knowing. Intuition in relationship tells you about the other person through feelings and a sense of who they are, not from any prior or learned knowledge about them. That sense of knowing includes feelings that embrace the other person in a cocoon of love that allows you to go beyond their faults and failings and see the real person. That sense of knowing takes you beyond the boundaries of ordinary understanding into an acceptance that can seem foolhardy to others looking on. It makes us more tolerant and forgiving, and less judgmental. It allows time to heal the differences when they occur. It makes us more open-hearted to loving more deeply.
Learning to trust intuition
It also opens your heart to being hurt more deeply if things do not work out the way you intuited in the first place. You can even blame yourself for being too intuitive, too sensitive, for being a fool. But what I have discovered in my journey is that when intuition and harmony go hand in hand, then the practicalities fall into place much more easily.
So a rule of thumb to guide you on the path of an intuitive life is to observe when the obstacles are giving you a message to wait look before you leap, and when the practical events and circumstances are falling into place in such a way that you know that harmony is on your side and supporting your intuition to manifest in the best possible and practical way for you and all concerned.
by Gaye Wright,
fredag 28. september 2007
What is love?
A few years ago, I spoke to a group of high-schoolers about the Jewish idea of love.
"Someone define love," I said.
No response.
"Doesn't anyone want to try?" I asked.
Still no response.
"Tell you what: I'll define it, and you raise your hands if you agree. Okay?"
Nods.
"Okay. Love is that feeling you get when you meet the right person."
Every hand went up. And I thought, Oy.
This is how many people approach a relationship. Consciously or unconsciously, they believe love is a sensation (based on physical and emotional attraction) that magically, spontaneously generates when Mr. or Ms. Right appears. And just as easily, it can spontaneously degenerate when the magic "just isn't there" anymore. You fall in love, and you can fall out of it.
The key word is passivity. Erich Fromm, in his famous treatise "The Art of Loving," noted the sad consequence of this misconception: "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love." (That was back in 1956 -- chances are he'd be even more pessimistic today.)
The key word is passivity. Erich Fromm, in his famous treatise "The Art of Loving," noted the sad consequence of this misconception: "There is hardly any activity, any enterprise, which is started with such tremendous hopes and expectations, and yet, which fails so regularly, as love." (That was back in 1956 -- chances are he'd be even more pessimistic today.)
So what is love -- real, lasting love?
Love is the attachment that results from deeply appreciating another's goodness.
The word "goodness" may surprise you. After all, most love stories don't feature a couple enraptured with each other's ethics. ("I'm captivated by your values!" he told her passionately. "And I've never met a man with such morals!" she cooed.) But in her study of real-life successful marriages ("The Good Marriage: How and Why Love Lasts"), Judith Wallerstein reports that "the value these couples placed on the partner's moral qualities was an unexpected finding."
To the Jewish mind, it isn't unexpected at all. What we value most in ourselves, we value most in others. God created us to see ourselves as good (hence our need to either rationalize or regret our wrongdoings). So, too, we seek goodness in others. Nice looks, an engaging personality, intelligence, and talent (all of which count for something) may attract you, but goodness is what moves you to love.
LOVE IS A CHOICE
If love comes from appreciating goodness, it needn't just happen -- you can make it happen. Love is active. You can create it. Just focus on the good in another person (and everyone has some). If you can do this easily, you'll love easily.
I was once at an intimate concert in which the performer, a deeply spiritual person, gazed warmly at his audience and said, "I want you to know, I love you all." I smiled tolerantly and thought, "Sure." Looking back, though, I realize my cynicism was misplaced. This man naturally saw the good in others, and our being there said enough about us that he could love us. Judaism actually idealizes this universal, unconditional love.
Obviously, there's a huge distance from here to the far more profound, personal love developed over the years, especially in marriage. But seeing goodness is the beginning.
Susan learned about this foundation of love after becoming engaged to David. When she called her parents to tell them the good news, they were elated. At the end of the conversation, her mother said, "Darling, I want you to know we love you, and we love David."
Susan was a bit dubious. "Mom," she said hesitantly, "I really appreciate your feelings, but, in all honesty, how can you say you love someone you've never met?"
By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.
"We're choosing to love him," her mother explained, "because love is a choice."
There's no better wisdom Susan's mother could have imparted to her before marriage. By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.
There's no better wisdom Susan's mother could have imparted to her before marriage. By focusing on the good, you can love almost anyone.
ACTIONS AFFECT FEELINGS
Now that you're feeling so warmly toward the entire human race, how can you deepen your love for someone? The way God created us, actions affect our feelings most. For example, if you want to become more compassionate, thinking compassionate thoughts may be a start, but giving tzedaka (charity) will get you there. Likewise, the best way to feel loving is to be loving -- and that means giving.
While most people believe love leads to giving, the truth (as Rabbi Eliyahu Dessler writes in his famous discourse on loving kindness) is exactly the opposite: Giving leads to love.
What is giving? When an enthusiastic handyman happily announces to his non- mechanically inclined wife, "Honey, wait till you see what I got you for your birthday -- a triple-decker toolbox!" that's not giving. Neither is a father's forcing violin lessons on his son because he himself always dreamed of being a virtuoso.
True giving, as Erich Fromm points out, is other-oriented, and requires four elements. The first is care, demonstrating active concern for the recipient's life and growth. The second is responsibility, responding to his or her expressed and unexpressed needs (particularly, in an adult relationship, emotional needs). The third is respect, "the ability to see a person as he [or she] is, to be aware of his [or her] unique individuality," and, consequently, wanting that person to "grow and unfold as he [or she] is." These three components all depend upon the fourth, knowledge. You can care for, respond to, and respect another only as deeply as you know him or her.
OPENING YOURSELF TO OTHERS
The effect of genuine, other-oriented giving is profound. It allows you into another person's world and opens you up to perceiving his or her goodness. At the same time, it means investing part of yourself in the other, enabling you to love this person as you love yourself.
The more you give, the more you love.
Many years ago, I met a woman whom I found very unpleasant. So I decided to try out the "giving leads to love" theory. One day I invited her for dinner. A few days later I offered to help her with a personal problem. On another occasion I read something she'd written and offered feedback and praise. Today we have a warm relationship. The more you give, the more you love. This is why your parents (who've given you more than you'll ever know) undoubtedly love you more than you love them, and you, in turn, will love your own children more than they'll love you.
Because deep, intimate love emanates from knowledge and giving, it comes not overnight but over time -- which nearly always means after marriage. The intensity many couples feel before marrying is usually great affection boosted by commonality, chemistry, and anticipation. These may be the seeds of love, but they have yet to sprout. On the wedding day, emotions run high, but true love should be at its lowest, because it will hopefully always be growing, as husband and wife give more and more to each other.
A woman I know once explained why she's been happily married for 25 years. "A relationship has its ups and downs," she told me. "The downs can be really low -- and when you're in one, you have three choices: Leave, stay in a loveless marriage, or choose to love your spouse."
Dr. Jill Murray (author of "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships") writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving -- not only saying, "I love you," but showing it.
Dr. Jill Murray (author of "But I Love Him: Protecting Your Daughter from Controlling, Abusive Dating Relationships") writes that if someone mistreats you while professing to love you, remember: "Love is a behavior." A relationship thrives when partners are committed to behaving lovingly through continual, unconditional giving -- not only saying, "I love you," but showing it.
torsdag 27. september 2007
Sex and Friendship - Can friends be lovers?
What happens when the line between friendship and sex is crossed, when friends become lovers all of a sudden? Perhaps Dr Evil said it best in Austin Powers when he sleeps with his evil henchwoman, Frau Farbissina - “It just got a little bit weird, didn’t it!’
The Christmas Party Moment
We can spend years erecting the most intricate emotional boundaries, reinforced by complex sexual undercurrents, and coded with the most cryptic communication. We feel completely protected.
Then one night at a Christmas party, or over a heart-felt outpouring about a relationship breakdown, a random thought just comes into your head. Perhaps all these months of talking about ex partners, and discussion about life and love weren’t just a purely platonic exchange. Perhaps I didn’t find this friend attractive to begin with, but now I think about it, I really love the twinkle in my friend’s eye. I love the fact when my friend says something cheeky, or when he looks at me knowingly when I’m about to get angry. Gasp, shock, denial! Maybe I have feelings for my friend.
Then suddenly the sexual undercurrent become like a bursting damn. The cryptic communication is cracked and your affectionate comments sound like a car alarm filling the midnight streets. The barrier between sex and friendship, lovers and friends comes crashing down, and suddenly you feel like Eve in the Garden of Eden, embarrassingly aware of your own emotional nakedness.
Then suddenly the sexual undercurrent become like a bursting damn. The cryptic communication is cracked and your affectionate comments sound like a car alarm filling the midnight streets. The barrier between sex and friendship, lovers and friends comes crashing down, and suddenly you feel like Eve in the Garden of Eden, embarrassingly aware of your own emotional nakedness.
Crossing the Line
The onslaught of these feelings brings a new strangeness to your relationship. Conversations that were once meaningless exchanges become significant beyond words, bouncing in your mind again and again. His little barbs are like swords through the heart, and intimate jokes leave you light-headed. Oh my god - what a romantic nightmare! You can bare no more. Over a couple drinks, you share your feelings. He seems confused and unsure, but the passion is alive and intense, and that night you finally step across that line – the line you both swore you would never cross, become lovers from being just friends.
This typical story has many endings. Some read like Mills and Boon novels, others like Shakespearean tragedy, but many end up in that messy awkward middle, stuck between the comfortable distance of friendship and awkward vulnerability of sex or love.
A happy ending?
So, what’s the solution to this age-old tale? Can there be a happy ending after all? Can we retreat back to safety, away from the no-man’s land between sex, love and friendship? Or are we forever doomed to walk the earth, never knowing quite where we stand?
This is not an easy problem to solve. When we encounter this situation, the first thing we have to do is be honest with ourselves. What do we really want from this friendship? Have we mistaken emotional closeness with sexual attraction? Do I really want a love relationship of that sort with this person, or were they just there for me at a time when I needed them?
I think part of the problem we confront in such situations is that relationships don’t always fit into nice neat boxes. Sometimes we feel sexually attracted to people we couldn’t really form a friendship with. At other times we love people, but just don’t feel sexually attracted to them. Yet sexual attraction and emotions are never static. There is a fluidity and instability about attraction that can leave us unsure at times of what on earth we really feel. We have a belief, often informed by Hollywood romance, about how love and relationship form from being friends. Reality can be much messier.
The Golden Rule
My golden rule here is quite simple - never rush into things. Many mistakes are made by simply jumping in at the deep end without giving time for the murkiness to dissipate. There is nothing like time to give clarity.
by Bede Nicholson
There is no rush to decide whether sex or love between friends means more or if it means just that – sex.
torsdag 20. september 2007
onsdag 19. september 2007
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tirsdag 18. september 2007
“Home” – the dictionary defines it as both “a place of origin” and a “goal of destination”.
All of life is a coming home..
Salesmen, secretaries, teachers, directors…. all of us – all the restless hearts of the world
All of life is a coming home..
Salesmen, secretaries, teachers, directors…. all of us – all the restless hearts of the world
– are all trying to find their way home.
Picture yourself walking for days in diving snow,
Picture yourself walking for days in diving snow,
even though you know your are walking in circles.
The heaviness of your legs – your shouts disappearing into the wind
- or as the poet Dante put it;
“in the middle of the journey of my life,
“in the middle of the journey of my life,
I found myself in the dark woods
– for I had lost the right path”.
How small you can feel
How small you can feel
– how far from home you can be…
UNINTED
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You could be the one I'll always love
You could be the one
who listens to my deepest inquisitions
You could be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces
of the life I had before
First there was the one who challenged
All my dreams and all my balance
She could never be as good as you
You could be my unintended
Choice to live my life extended
You should be the one I'll always love
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces
of the life I had before
I'll be there as soon as I can
But I'm busy mending broken pieces
of the life I had beforeBefore you
(lyrics from Muse)
Dikt til Nora
Til min kjære Nora
fra Pappa.
Når du sover,
flytter jeg lampen litt til side,
slik at bare et demrende skinn
svever over
din skulder, ditt hår, ditt barnekinn,
først når du sover
synes jeg at du er helt min
Det som dagen har risset inn
av linjer i dine unge trekk,
av lek og travelhet og trass som brenner,
har søvnen med myke farshender
strøket vekk
Slik som ditt hode hviler mot armen,
ligger det som en fugl i sitt rede.
bøyer jeg meg, kan jeg kjenne varmen
mot meg strømme,
mettet med mørket av dine gode drømmer
Armen rund,
din varme, deilige barnemunn,
et sovende smil, en bris av din pust
og som et bølgende land av lykke,
din mages bue –
dette er gitt meg i denne stund,
i denne stue!
Gode er også de kalde
dager, bare de slutter sånn
at jeg for alltid kan sitte å holde,
alltid holde din barnehånd!
Nora, Nora,
Når du sover,
Da er du bare mitt lille barn,
Som jeg alltid vil våke over.
fra Pappa.
Når du sover,
flytter jeg lampen litt til side,
slik at bare et demrende skinn
svever over
din skulder, ditt hår, ditt barnekinn,
først når du sover
synes jeg at du er helt min
Det som dagen har risset inn
av linjer i dine unge trekk,
av lek og travelhet og trass som brenner,
har søvnen med myke farshender
strøket vekk
Slik som ditt hode hviler mot armen,
ligger det som en fugl i sitt rede.
bøyer jeg meg, kan jeg kjenne varmen
mot meg strømme,
mettet med mørket av dine gode drømmer
Armen rund,
din varme, deilige barnemunn,
et sovende smil, en bris av din pust
og som et bølgende land av lykke,
din mages bue –
dette er gitt meg i denne stund,
i denne stue!
Gode er også de kalde
dager, bare de slutter sånn
at jeg for alltid kan sitte å holde,
alltid holde din barnehånd!
Nora, Nora,
Når du sover,
Da er du bare mitt lille barn,
Som jeg alltid vil våke over.
Om Kjærlighet - og det å elske
You are the answer to every prayer I've said.
I couldn't have made you more perfect if I tried.
You have become a thief and stolen my heart.
Please don't be a vandal and break it.
(Angelina Kristine)
I dag vil jeg ta opp et av de vanskeligste tema å bli klok på;
Kjærligheten.
Dette vanskelige ord, som vi alle tror vi vet hva er, men som så mange av oss sliter med.
Først av alt vil jeg gjerne fastslå følgende fakta; Å elske er risikabelt - og kjærligheten er full av feller. Når den manifesterer seg, ser vi bare lyset den utstråler, men ikke skyggene den skaper. Og den som elsker må også lære seg å miste og å lære å finne seg selv igjen.
Dette høres jo veldig dramatisk ut. Men intet gjør så godt som å elske og bli elsket igjen, og intet er så vondt som å elske og miste den man elsker.
I et forhold blir vi gjentatte ganger grepet av en følelse av vemod som vi ikke klarer å beherske. Vi skjønner at denne dagens magiske øyeblikk og muligheter er over, og at vi gjorde ingenting. Livet skjuler sin magi og sin kunst. Og vi lar dagene gå, uten egentlig å leve. Og elske.
Hva skal vi så gjøre for virkelig å kunne elske?
Jeg tror vi må lytte til det barnet vi en gang var og som fortsatt lever inne i oss. Dette barnet vet hva magiske øyeblikk er. Vi kan dempe barnets gråt, men vi kan ikke kneble dets stemme. Det barnet vi en gang var, fortsetter vi å være. Hvis vi ikke lytter på barnet inne i oss på nytt, hvis vi ikke kan betrakte verden gjennom barndommens uskyld og entusiasme, vil ikke kjærligheten – og derved heller ikke livet, lenger ha noen mening.
La oss lytte til hva det sier, dette barnet som vi alle har i våre hjerter. La oss ikke skamme oss over det. Ikke la det leve i angst. For dem som ikke elsker, er det alene, og blir nesten aldri hørt. Vi må la barnet i oss ta tømmene igjen i våre liv. Dette barnet som vet at den ene dagen ikke er den andre lik, og som elsker sine nærmeste så betingelsesløst. Lar vi barnet i oss få det til å føle seg elsket igjen og om vi lar det bli glad – selv om det betyr at vi oppfører oss på en måte vi ikke er vant til, ja selv om det fortoner seg som idioti i andres øyne, først da kan vi virkelig elske.
Og bli elsket igjen.
Husk at menneskenes klokskap er dårskap i universets øyne. Hvis vi lytter til banet vi bærer i vår sjel, vil våre øyne skinne igjen. Hvis vi ikke mister kontakten med dette barnet, vil vi heller ikke miste kontakten med livet – og kjærligheten.
Vi har alle opplevd smerte i forhold til det å elske. Og fordi vi har hatt det vondt, føler vi at universet omkring oss ikke vil oss vel. Vi har alle minst en gang forsøkt å elske av hele vårt hjerte, og om kjærligheten tar slutt sitter vi igjen med følelsen av å bli tråkket på, at vi blir forrådt. Vi har lært at gud er kjærlighet. Men hvorfor bryr han seg da ikke mer om følelsene mine? Gud er kanskje kjærlighet, men det er desverre ikke gud som forstår den best.
Det er lett å miste kjærligheten. Etter som forelskelsen går over, og dagliglivet tar kontrollen over oss igjen, kommer sakte angsten, usikkerheten og uviljen mot å gripe det mirakuløse. For i morgen kan alt ta slutt, og vi sitter igjen med smerten.
Den er som et terningsspill. Det blir kaster en terning, og ingen spør oss om vi vil være med på leken eller ei. Terningene bryr seg ikke om du forlater en mann eller kvinne, et hus, et arbeid, eller en drøm. Terningene gir blanke i det faktum at du har et liv der hver ting har sin plass, og at ethvert ønske kan bli virkeliggjort gjennom arbeid og utholdenhet. De tar ikke hensyn til våre planer og våre håp; et eller annet sted der ute i universet kastes det terning – og du blir valgt. Fra da av er det å vinne eller tape et spørsmål om tilfeldigheter.
Universet spiller terning, og den slipper kjærligheten fri fra sitt bur. Denne kraften som kan skape eller knuse – avhengig av vindens retning i det øyeblikk den slipper ut fra sitt fengsel.
Heldigvis så opplever mange at vinden så langt har blåst i deres retning. Men husk at vindene er like lunefulle som været. Kjærligheten må pleies og den må kjempes for. Hvert år, hver måned, ja hver dag om en skal være så heldig å få fortsette å ha sin kjære ved sin side.
Kjærligheten er de gales verk, heter det. Men den som er i stand til å beherske sitt hjerte – og å elske, er også i stand til å beherske verden.
Og det er derfor bedre å tape noen slag i kampen for sine drømmer og sin kjærlighet, enn å bli beseiret uten en gang å vite hvorfor du slåss.
Dette ble en veldig lang blog, men jeg vil gjerne komme med et lite ord til slutt i forhold til disse alvorlige betraktninger om helt eksistensielle spørsmål i vår tilværelse:
Husk at universets krefter går alltid sammen for å hjelpe oss å slåss for drømmene våre, samme hvor tåpelige de kan virke.
Nettopp fordi de er våre drømmer, og det er bare vi som vet hva det koster oss å drømme dem.
Et ord som er sagt, og en stein som er kastet,kan aldri tilbakekalles
(ukjent)
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Dette er kloke ord, som vi alle har noe å lære av. Jeg kan for min del bare snakke for meg. Har siden jeg var liten selv hatt en stor trang til frihet, og friheten til å leve livet må min måte er fortsatt noe jeg setter veldig høyt.
Men denne trang til frihet har også hatt sin pris, som jeg kanskje ikke er villig til å betale lenger.
Den har fått meg til å gjøre mange ting som jeg ikke burde ha gjort, og som jeg vil forsøke ikke å gjøre igjen.
Den har gitt meg store og dype arr i kropp og sjel, og jeg har også såret mennesker dypt, mennesker som jeg er glad i og som har betydd mye for meg, både i privatlivet og i forretninger. Men jeg forsøker hele tiden å lære av mine mange feil, men vet at jeg nok aldri vil lykkes helt. Det ligger i menneskets natur å gjøre feil valg og beslutninger. Hver dag, hver time, gjør vi våre valg som påvirker vår framtid og menneskene rundt oss.
.
Noen har jeg bedt om unnskyldning og tilgivelse, andre står for tur.
Jeg vet bedre enn de fleste at friheten har en høy pris. Nesten like høy som slaveriets pris; den eneste forskjellen er at man betaler den med glede og et smil om munnen, selv når det er et smil gjennom tårer.
Menneskene rundt meg ser smilet.
Men ikke tårene.
(ukjent)
.......................................................
Dette er kloke ord, som vi alle har noe å lære av. Jeg kan for min del bare snakke for meg. Har siden jeg var liten selv hatt en stor trang til frihet, og friheten til å leve livet må min måte er fortsatt noe jeg setter veldig høyt.
Men denne trang til frihet har også hatt sin pris, som jeg kanskje ikke er villig til å betale lenger.
Den har fått meg til å gjøre mange ting som jeg ikke burde ha gjort, og som jeg vil forsøke ikke å gjøre igjen.
Den har gitt meg store og dype arr i kropp og sjel, og jeg har også såret mennesker dypt, mennesker som jeg er glad i og som har betydd mye for meg, både i privatlivet og i forretninger. Men jeg forsøker hele tiden å lære av mine mange feil, men vet at jeg nok aldri vil lykkes helt. Det ligger i menneskets natur å gjøre feil valg og beslutninger. Hver dag, hver time, gjør vi våre valg som påvirker vår framtid og menneskene rundt oss.
.
Noen har jeg bedt om unnskyldning og tilgivelse, andre står for tur.
Jeg vet bedre enn de fleste at friheten har en høy pris. Nesten like høy som slaveriets pris; den eneste forskjellen er at man betaler den med glede og et smil om munnen, selv når det er et smil gjennom tårer.
Menneskene rundt meg ser smilet.
Men ikke tårene.
Hvem er vi egentlig?
Hvordan finner vi mot til å være tro mot oss selv når vi ikke en gang hvet vem vi er?
(Paulo Coelho)
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Vi lever i en stadig mer hektisk hverdag, med press på alle kanter; det være seg jobb, familie og for veldig mange av oss manglende tid til å gjøre det en har lyst til.
Enkelte ganger kan det være lurt å stopp opp litt, og fundere litt over livet og hva vi ønsker oss av dette.
Det eneste vi vet, er at vi blir født, og at vi en gang skal reise fra denne vakre jordkloden som vi alle er en del av. Vi vet også at dagen i dag får en aldri tilbake.
Ha en kjempefin dag!
(Paulo Coelho)
……………………………………………………………..
Vi lever i en stadig mer hektisk hverdag, med press på alle kanter; det være seg jobb, familie og for veldig mange av oss manglende tid til å gjøre det en har lyst til.
Enkelte ganger kan det være lurt å stopp opp litt, og fundere litt over livet og hva vi ønsker oss av dette.
Det eneste vi vet, er at vi blir født, og at vi en gang skal reise fra denne vakre jordkloden som vi alle er en del av. Vi vet også at dagen i dag får en aldri tilbake.
Ha en kjempefin dag!
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